~Meggy~ (angelmegz16) wrote, @ 2008-06-01 22:40:00

Remember to love
When my cell phone turns on, I have it set to display a message that says "Remember to love!"

I need to love God first of all. I need to serve him. He will show me the best way to love other people.

I have come to some realizations in the last few hours.

Yes, I have strong feelings for GCB.

Yes, I struggle with resentment toward Melissa. I think it will be a long time (if ever) before my trust is fully restored in her.

However:

I have come to realize that I love her a lot. I am very, very protective of her. That is why I hesitate so much when doing anything that has to do with GCB. I relax a little when she's not around, because I don't worry about how my actions will be interpreted. But I really don't do anything with him that I wouldn't do with some girl's boyfriend if she was standing right there.

GCB has just about everything going for him that I am attracted to in men. I think God has chosen me for the marriage track, (although I'm not 100% certain of that yet, that's really always what I've believed I am called to) and maybe he is showing me the caliber of man that is out there. But at this time, things are very chaotic for both GCB and Melissa, and I don't think pursuing him would be beneficial to either of them. If I were to try and recieve attention and affection from him, it would be entirely self-serving.

I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't know what to do with my strong attraction to him, or my feelings of resentment toward Melissa. I don't think I can make either go away. But I am big on insisting that we choose our own actions, and in Jesus I have the freedom to choose to love. That is what I need to do. With the help of the Holy Spirit that is what I want to do.

I ask for your prayers...I need God's help to love like he loves. It's not going to be easy. But it's what will make me fulfilled and happy in the long run.

And if what God wants for my life is for GCB to be a very central part of it, He will make that happen in His own good time. If not, he has a great path planned out for me. I need to trust. Easier said than done, but again, in the long run, that's what will make me happiest.

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