|Current mood:|| scared|
|Current music:||ANTS MARCHING|
Wow... ONE day left and I'm there. The long awaited but dreaded summer vacation. What kinda vacation takes you away from the people you like.. your friends. I dont know what to think. This year has been amazing (understatement) It has given me more than I could ever dream of. So, I'll take you back in time for a while.....
It's the summer after the 9th grade. I have nothing really going for me. I like school way too much so I decide to take summer school to get ahead. Now I hate my parents because they are making me pay to learn... $200. Well i dont go to the pool at all because of some whack surgery. So now I'm going back and I'm pale and everything is looking down. ya see when I was younger I played soccer. it was my passion. i would give up anything just to play. but when i didn't make a certain team one year, i gave up on everything. I was a psycho.
Back to where i was.. so i'm going into the tenth grade with nothing to look forward to. No hobbies, no good friends and I dont know where to turn. I dont get along with people well so its tough.... AND THEN... it happened. I decide to try out for a one-act play competition because I hear that you get to perform it in a hotel in Richmond, Virginia against 45 other schools around the state. And this is the ONLY reason I join. To compete. And for one month I work with a group of about 15 or more people on a play called "atomic shakespeare". I learn every detail about everyone of them. They become my best friends. They change me in every way. I become much more of an extrovert and I realize talents I've never had before. Later in the year, I will tell them more than i would ever tell anyone. And my director, Stephanie Bishop, becomes not only my teacher, but one of my best friends in the entire world. I love every single one of them. well, we take this one act play to the competition in Richmond.. and through our passion and hard work, we win First Place in the state. This means we get to advance to a national competition and represent Virginia. So for the next 5 or 6 months I work with this same group of people (Except Michael who dropped out for more important things.. like soccer) and we become even closer as we raise $10,000 to attend. Luckily for us, the competition was held in VA that year so we didnt have to go very far. During the rehearsal process (each day after school til 5:00) I met so many more friends. I'm very involved in school and i'm in many clubs. I meet a girl named Carrie and we become great friends. She is a very religious girl and she is very passionate about everything she does. And for this time, I am defined by the people around me (friends.. parents). I become exactly what everyone expects. I try to impress constantly. I'm setting myself up..
So we take our show to the SETC (the national competition) and we get slammed by the judges. We dont win. But we face a huge challenge. A challenge that has been a very difficult one for me.. moving on. After the competition, we went right into the musical. I acted in it as well as designed the set. It actually turned out pretty good and I got to see many of the same people that were in the first show. My best friend for four years and I played a little prank on a few friendst that turned TERRIBLY aweful. we found out a few things they had done.. and for months i turned my back on all of them. I shut them out. Me and my 4 yr friend grew apart and ended up hating eachother. And im without the people i like bc i shut them all out. Now im screwed. I try really hard for a long time to gain there friendship back. Now we all hate the 4 year friend together. Also, I ran for Junior class president (REMINDER: im still in my extroverted friendly stage) And for many weeks.. im nice to EVERYONE. I suck up way too much. and the week is finally here.. the week of elections.. of the musical.. of my breakdown. YOU see.. i find someone and i think im in love this week. The problem is.. they're already taken. But they dont let that stop them. And im become OBSESSED. i stay committed to this person more thn i ever thought possible. but i felt so free that i didnt want to stop. I couldnt slow down. It all moved way to fast. So in this week of my musical.. of the elections.. I stop eating and i never sleep. I can't seem to focus on school. And just in time, the musical is over, i win a playwrighting contest (on june 29th i leave to richmond for 3 wks to make it into a play), the elections are wrapped up (i win) and im on my own (theatre is my life and the friends i see everyday are now leaving). But im stuck here. In this weird state... depressed about theatre.. obsessed ab this person.. and completely failing everything in school just to focus all my time on someone who isnt good for me.
and i start to change
the elections came just in time bc afterwards i stop liking everyone. All my friends get the back burner. My relationship with family weakens. I stop trying in school. In fact I skip one class every day for a month by lying to my teacher bc of this person. NOW.. i try things that i never thought i would. And i become completely vulnerable. I would be open to (and hope for) getting drunk and partying even though it hasnt happened. I dropped my friend Carrie. and all the others except a select few. As of now, I'm still in this confused state. Trying to decide which way this person will go... am i still gonna be the secret on on the side or what. maybe im just being used. maybe this is the best thing thats ever happened to me. or the worse.
SO NOW im here. One day left of school and I'm scared out of my mind. I'm scared of leaving everyone that matters to me. Im scared of hurting the relationships that exist. Im scared of leaving what i've become soo comfortable with... why am i in love with what i cant have? (becuase im getting mixed signals) how will i survive a summer without them? (im afraid i wont.)