someone put me to bed, bed, bed...
Lol I cannot sleep and I have to get up at 730 for my 9am discussion tomorrow! Blah I blame it on the full throttle I had at dinner. Lol catie had two bottles of corona at dinner, and our lovely alessandra was in woodside hills visiting her mom who flew in from LA. Catie and I watched gossip girl and were hella pissed at serena for putting up with blairs shit! After the epi, alex text me SHY!!!!!!! And ranted about blair bein a bitch lol. So anywayssssss.
I have a quiz tomorrow for my mass marketing class. Its so retarded because the professor gave us a list of 150 vocabs last week n were gonna get tested on 10 of the vocabs the GSI randomly chooses tomorrow. I was able to only study prob 100 of the words, everything else I left undefined. My fingers getting tired =( so ive been keeping up with my work... Only behind in 1 class really.. But yeah.
So here i go again... When im brushing my teeth, walking to/from class, cleaning my closet, etc., all i repeat in my head is "i miss stephen..." i dont do it intentionally either... I just catch myself thinking it. I figured out why (thanks to nicki). I know its weird because stephen and i had veen broken up since december, so why all of a sudden am i feeling affected by it? Its because even after we broke up, i always thought we'd eventually get back together, so i never let myself get over him. We almost got back together so many times, with me hoping he had changed. I even knew for sure we'd get things back on track once i transferred to berkeley. So it finally hit me when i realized, yeah he did love me, but not as much as i loved him. I could never say i left katie or lisa or anyone hanging in order to be with and see stephen. However, i did miss out on a lot of things because i was always in berkeley, driving back and forth. And ive reiterated this so much, but its just something i cant get over. I know the reason for our break up was equally on my behalf as well as his. For me, it was my lack of communication. For him it was having other priorities. But stephen made me who i was. Everytime i'd call seemed not to be to immediately talk to him. I called to leave a "missed call" on his phone so he could call me at his convenience. After awhile i just wouldnt bother to call and we'd go a week only talking once or twice. I guess its my fault because i let him get use to it and so then it expanded and wasnt just phone calls. It was broken plans and called off dates and rescheduled weekends. It was things i didnt mind until it became too late. I was at a point in my relationship with stephen where i wouldve put him above my friends, and when i tried to advance with this new transformation, stephen was always pushing me back. He still had baseball, drinking, friends and sports before me. This was when i broke up with him hoping he'd change. I made it 8 months without him, but always thinking id eventually be led back to him. I got accepted to his university, the #2 ranked business school, and call me crazy, but i thought it was cuz i was meant to be with stephen. When he showed that he didnt change, i realized it was it for me and him, for US. And that meant id actually have to completely get over him, something i never did or tried to do. And thats the reason why im taking it SO hard. Sure for him, he can just go and replace me, he always did that before. I never did. I preoccupy myself with school and work, but that never filled the void. Sometimes i still wish that he'd text or call me at 1am just to show that he still thinks of me even if its in "that" way. So from now on, no more monitering his facebook or myspace or our old texts and emails. No more writing about him... No more!
Goodnight from us all (the pups)
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