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wow! so today after my dinner at CPK, which went great btw, we went to the movies to see Superbad... and after, johnny, denton, mike and the guys wanted to drink at denton's and have a little something for me before i move, but i told them we can do it tomorrow after the 49ers game because i have a 1030am hair appointment tomorrow (technically is today...) so i was gonna have to get up early to get ready! so instead lisa and marissa came to my house and we were chillin in my cousin's old room before she had moved out a couple years ago, and my mom had moved the old computer i used to use back in my rebellious days into that room... so i was bored and i turned it on, and was surprised to see it still worked... and i clicked on aol and saw my old sn still there with all my bookmarks and there i found it... a link to my old journal! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH it dated back from when i was 17!!! lets sum up how RETARDED i was! - at the time i was with some gangsterwannabedumbass LOL and i used to end every entry with some sort of vow that i would love him forever. for example: iLY FOREVER<333 hahahha and the retard was in prison for assault with a deadly weapon!!!! hahaha - i would make this face a lot :l hahahah - i used to argue with my mom a lot cuz she wouldnt let me do things my way, what a dumbass i was. - i dont talk to ANY of those fuckers i used to hang out with. the only ppl i still am friends with are lisa, tony, josh and catie! then later on there was jamie and marissa and mallory... - and this is the dumbest thing ever, although it put into light the situation im in with stephen right now. i waited over a year for a guy who cheated on me twice, went to jail, and cheated on me again when he came out! and i still was on his nuts after that and it took me what... a year to get over him??? HAHA and when i met stephen, i didnt wanna get with him cuz i was still occasionally thinking of my ex. wow i was such a character back then... - i also figured out that i had private entries on this journal that dated back to when stephen and i first met and how sooooooo infatuated we were by each other. whats funny is that... our break up in december was over the fact that he never made an effort to come see me... and i had an old entry, 3-4 months while we were dating, where he got mad at me and stormed off cuz i was being "effortless" in the relationship. lol.... i had a fun time reading that stuff! i'd been reading it for 3-4 hours... and who knew the old, foolish me would give me insight into my current situation with stephen. this is my psychological/therapeutical take: the reason why it was so hard for me to move on from JB was because I was with him for 2 years (give or take the year he was gone) and i got used to having a bf, so after we broke up, i'd keep going back to what was familiar and comfortable to me, and that was my relationship with JB... and what's so ridiculous is that... after breaking up with JB for about a month, he had called and made a comment about going out to dinner, and i remember being happy and excited and ready to go... but when that day came, JB didn't even remember he had asked me (twice) and that was the last straw for me. after that i completely ended things with him. well, what if he had remembered and we had gone on that date... i wouldve been back with him -- with a guy who at times treated me great, but would go and do the most hurtful things to me. and so now it's got me wondering if stephen's just as bad as this ex, but in a different way. i now feel like i'm going back to stephen because of that familiarity :\ after stephen and i broke up for the 2nd time, i seriously did try to move on and i did have a two flings... but it was always stephen all along... and now i'm having second thoughts again... i remember talking to jamie a month ago... and we were talking about her sorority sister who was with her bf for 6 years before breaking up and i told her it's always shocking to me when people are together for so long, and they break up and manage to stay broken up and jamie agreed and asked the most astounding question "where does all the love go?" now it's seriously got me thinking why i really want to be with stephen! he never changed after i gave him that second chance... and who's to say he'll change now... it's funny cuz I know JB was my first love but i don't ever remember it being as strong as i made it feel in my old journal. with stephen, i just feel like i do still love him... it's just a matter of whether i should be with him or not. i mean, sure now i feel like he's THE ONE but what if we don't get back together and i meet another guy who i know for sure IS the one!!!!! lollll. but even when i was dating tommie and derick after breaking up with stephen, i just never committed myself or even tried to because i didnt want to start a relationship all over again. with stephen i feel like i can go back to him and start right where we left off... maybe that's not a good enough reason. blahhh i need some reassurance! gotta get up early for a long day tomorrowwwww. going to the niners game too so ill just not think about this until later! 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