|Current mood:|| angry|
|Current music:||Dashboard Confessional|
wish I could just hide in my bed!
I am so sick of this. I cannot believe how unhappy I am this week. This job is a joke. I am wasting so much time and so many skills on sitting here staring at my computer screen or desk or a book for hours on end. It hardly seems practical to have a full-time proofreader when you don't even need one part time.
I went to go pick up my car yesterday from the mechanic and it again did not pass inspection because it needs new brakes. Of course. So now that's another couple hundred for brakes shocks and mounts. How am I going to afford this?
Then my parents are talking about taking out a tiny loan to buy me another beater and give my beater to my brother. Which is great, except then I'll have to learn a whole new car's issues.
I am so tired of waking up every single morning and being worried about money. It's not fair, it's not the way it should be. I didn't want it to be this hard. Why is it that I still don't have ny money and I have been working now at a "real job" for 3 months? I know it's only 3 months. But for Christ's sake, I paid 120,000 dollars for my god damn degree. And it would be really nice if I felt like the degree even mattered, since I am bringing home less than a sixth of that. A year's worth of tuition each year was about 36,000...and if you take what I am bringing home and double it, that's about ALMOST worth a year of school.
I am so fucking angry about all of this. Why can't I find a job that I love that pays me enough to live on? I am so fucking sick and tired too of people telling me I am lucky to have a job. I fucking KNOW that already, I'm not a goddamned idiot, we don't need to go into it again, it doesn't change the fact that I have been in tears every day I have come to work for the past two weeks because I HATE IT HERE. And why CAN'T the people who DO have money in this country get over the fear of losing it and start spending money again? It seems logical to me that if we could just get the economy running again, everyone would be a lot better off, and if we all tried to work together for one goddamn minute, we might be able to get the economy jumpstarted. But no, big fucking corporation heads have to be assholes and would rather keep their jobs and their fucking benefits than give something up for the greater good, i.e. take a small SALARY CUT AND USE THE DIFFERENCE TO CREATE NEW JOBS. This does not seem difficult to me. Meanwhile, people my age are fucking barely scraping by because we don't have jobs/money/anything decent that we could actually survive on.
Matt and I talked about this the other day and he was like, well maybe you need to get a part time job. And I flipped out. I know I need to get a part time job, but I DON'T WANT TO!!!! I graduated from college, I should be able to work one job and have a real life, not work 2 jobs and scramble around constantly to make ends meet!!! I shouldn't have to borrow fucking money from my boyfriend who never finished college and is still doing much better than me, and has two functional and beautiful cars to boot!! Granted he lives at home, but I don't have any car payments while he has a $400 a month payment and he's still rolling!
The really weird thing is that I am so angry about it all. I mean I cry a lot about it, and I am fucking more frustrated than I have ever been in my LIFE, but I am just so angry. I want to scream and punch people and make people understand how much it hurts to be a recent college grad. Brian and I were just sitting in the apartment yesterday talking about how much this fucking sucks. And all around me when I come to work are these either absolute total rude assholes or self-important bitchy people, or my favorite, the people that just don't do anything about anything. I thought this was a good working environment but it sucks.
I actually want to run away to Syracuse. How fucked up is that.