|Current mood:|| calm|
|Current music:||Jeff's mix CD from Colorado|
this is what I think. I am a very lucky girl right now. I figured myself out, as I would say to Lyds.
I know Matt's not it. But I also know he has taught me a lot of things about relationships and he will also always always be my best friend. Matt knows more about me than I do. He amazes me.
However. Now I also do not feel badly about the fact that I have EVERY intention of moving back to London within 5 or maybe 10 if necessary years.
I don't feel guilty about that, except where Christian is concerned. (No offense to Chuckie, but he'll be off in Arizona and I know he'll be ok.) Oh, poor Chris he is going to be so lonely and I love him so much but I will hate myself if I don't go to London.
I don't want to end up like my mommy. She is very sad because she didn't do a lot of the things she wanted to in her life, like go work in a big city like New York. She stayed for my daddy, who is a wonderful man. Matt's great but he's not as great as my dad. I don't want to sacrifice something I really want (London) for something that might turn out to be just adequate.
The thing I remembered this week is how different my soul is from Matt's. Jeff gave me this CD to listen to and it is the best most relaxing and yet still deeply emotional music I've heard in a long time. I've been listening to this CD and thinking that this was the kind of music Brad and I listened to. He'd have no problem and in fact welcome sleeping and waking up with music, including Sarah McLachlan and Dave. We wrote music together and dissected other people's lyrics. He was interested in my theater, I adored his art. I want that. It's important to me. That creative side is sooooo important to me. Matt says often that he is a simple man. And he's right, and I don't expect any more from him. But that's why we're not thriving. (Jeff's lending of that CD was very touching too. Because music is very personal for me and if I connect with someone about music, that's awesome, it makes me see them in a whole other way and helps me feel connected.)
I just figured myself out.