|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||lifehouse - no name face|
Oh So Sad
I injured my neck a few days ago. So lately I've been more isolated than ever I pretty much just lay on the couch or in bed flat on my back. To say the least I am depressed. Jer had work and draft shit to attend and I am here with a sore neck and nobody to take care of me. I rarely get any sleep. Yesterday had to be the worst, Jer had to work at noon and left the apt. at 10:40 for the commute. After his shift he "HAD" to go to some football draft. I was already in a shitty mood because I knew he was going to be gone the whole day and he somehow made that mood even worse. I know it wasn't intentional though. He called me quite a bit to check in on me (which is very sweet) but almost every time he would mention that fuckin draft! it's like.... "yeah keep rubbing it in your not coming home and this shitty fantasy draft is a larger priority than me. grrr. Well when he came home I was upset to say the least and right away we went to bed. While lying in bed I expressed a lot of my grief and I was trying to address a lot of the problems I am having. I guess you can say I was actually opening up to him about everything that bothers me but like always I get little response from him. I think he just doesn't know what to say, and I understand. It's pretty much bitching on my part and he doesn't know hot to make it better and I don't either.
The one thing that is beginning to bother me more than the isolation is feeling like I am "priority zero". None of this is intentional, he doesn't do this to hurt me. I am sure he doesn't even realize it. Sometimes everything seems to come before me. Like those drafts, work, everquest, sleep. On a day he works we maybe get a couple of hours together.
I am starting to feel like not eating again. I normally don't eat when I feel depressed. I feel hungry but I feel so shitty that I get pleasure out of the hunger pains. Lately I've felt so bad being here by myself all the time that I've wanted to do something to get satisfaction and starving myself has always provided that for me. I've even thought about making myself throw up, which I never done but I have a urge to. I know I have a problem it's been a problem from the result of depression for close to 5 years. When I say I am not hungry, that is normally a lie. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. If I was forced to eat I would want something else to give me that satisfaction like drugs or something. So I am sinking back into a lingering depression. After almost two years of being stable I feel down all the time. I feel dark and closed off.
My mom and my sis were my support system back home, they knew when I had hit the wall and they knew how to be there for me. and I would get better. I don't think jer knows how to be that support. I don't blame him but I need someone to help me. I can't stop on my own even though I know I should. This is my weakness, it eats at me every time.
It's not Jer's fault. It's these circumstances. Everything that makes me healthy emotionally is gone. I had a stable life, Getting a job to pay bills for my mom enabled strength in me, it provided a routine, I had spending money too, money I earned that felt good spending because I worked hard for it. I got satisfaction out of that instead of starving myself. I don't have anything here, I just have jer. And that's enough to stay here because I love him dearly. On the other hand I need things to get better. I need something here for me, something that's mine that will give me stability.
At the end of the day I know there is three people who love me, three people I can count on and these three people are all I have in this world.