| Current mood: |  drained |
broken but holding together
Johnny broke the news to Van, and it crushed him. Seeing him weak like that is rare, and I tried my best to help him. Orlando came in, and he hit him. I've never seen Orlando so angry to be violent.. and honestly, I love him with all my heart, but it made me angry. I still am angry. I haven't spoken to him since. I've been here for Johnny. I've picked up every time he calls in the middle of the night. I was there for him when Van said he wasn't allowed to see Lily or Jack. I saw him crushed down to nothing because he gave up his other life that he could have had because he loved Orlando, and I saw Orlando just... leave when he was needed the most.
I understand that it hurts, Christ, Orlando hasn't even seen half of what I have.. and God, It hurts.. but, to leave? To tell him that he's on his own? I just don't understand it... I don't think I ever will. My views seem to be changing, and I seem to not understand what the hell is going through his head.
I guess my worse fear is that one of these nights it won't be Johnny calling me. I won't get the phone call in the middle of the night, hearing his slurred speech from emotion and alcohol... I'll get a call the next day from a hospital somewhere, telling me he didn't make it through that night. That's what I'm afraid of.
I just hope this changes soon.
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