|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||face down - the red jumpsuit apparatus|
so i think i've come to the conclusion that i am slowly falling into a deeper and deeper state of depression and if i don't do something about it shortly it is probably going to end up getting the best of me. i don't understand why this keeps happening. it seems like everything is going great and i'm doing just fine. i'm laughing and smiling and being myself and all of a sudden out of no where depression jumps in the way and fucks up everything for me. why does this keep happening? is happiness really a battle? a struggle that i'm forced to fight for every single day? i don't understand this at all.
and worst of all i thought i used to have my friends to turn to but sadly everyone has become someone diffrent. nothing's the same anymore. everyone's changing right before my eyes and i can't do a thing about it. or is this all my fault? am i the one who's changed by refusing to change and become someone other that who i'd like to be? or is it that everyone else has found themselves and are changing into this "newly found" person and i remain stuck and un-changed, because i don't know who i am?
sadly in this world that gets more and more complex each and every day, these are questions that i have to figure out on my own. unfourtunately for me, i don't have someone who can show me how to find who i am. maybe what i need is to just get away. maybe i need to get away from the dysfucntional hell hole that i've been forced to call home for 16 miserable years. maybe what i need is to get out as soon as possible. to go ahead and live the life that i've always planned to lead and not look back. maybe what i need is to leave everything and everyone behind and find myself. maybe i need to take a path that leads me somewhere successful and never go astray.
i'm not sure what to do or where i'm going. right now, i'm just trying to figure out why i'm crying so hard. i hate being upset. i hate being miserable. i hate not trusting anyone. i hate not having someone to call me own. i hate the life that i'm currently leading. and i hate who i'm becoming.
dear summer 2006, you've changed everyone. you've ripped away the people that i love the most and made them into something that i can't stand. change me too. make me something diffrent.