|Current music:||My Immortal-Evanescence|
my time to shine
School is school. SOL's tomorrow. I was supposed to pick up my car after school today but they called and said it wouldn't be ready until tomrrow. God damnit. My mom made me go to my isters band concert thing. God it was boring so I went to sleep during that. What a day.
When will it be my time to shine? I feel that staying here isn't doing anything for me yet leaving won't do much either. I have about as much here as I do anywhere else. So why stay? but why go? I feel like everybody is catching these breaks recently but me. Tyler has a girlfriend who he spends all of his time with, like everyone else. Everyone seems to be getting girlfriends but me. Its not just that its everything, I don't know what I'm going to do after high school or about this summer. I've got like 4 weeks to decide and nothing has made me want to change my mind. Bludfed is the only new thing but sometimes I feel we aren't gunna go anywhere with it. If I leave I have to start all over again, and I'm tired of doing that, no one has really made me want to stay but no one has made me want to leave either. I'm at a stale mate. Fuck I hate thinking like I'm like a fucking adult or something. Its so tiring and stupid. I worry constantly about things I shouldn't have to. I hope to much on things I know won't happen. I know I'm not gunna get a girlfriend here, no one shows any interest. But you would think that since I know this I wouldn't dwell on it yet I do anyway. Fuck people and how they think but won't say. I do it yet I hate it. I need a sign, a straight forward sign from somebody that there is a reason to stay. If not then fuck I'm out. Bludfed is the only thing that I'll stay for at this point as long as we get somewhere. If not then I'm out. I'm tired of being tired, thinking but not getting an answer to the questions I ask, hoping but them not coming true, trying but failing. I'm stuck right in the fucking middle of it. Sometimes I wish I would just die. Not that I'm suicidal or anything just so I can be at ease over this shit. Its too hard.That way I know who cares and who doesn't. I have a problem with believing what I'm told. I know some people have it worse than me but I don't exactly like what I am. I like things to be there right in front of me. I like to know whats going on and how to do it and how to fix it and know what I'm doing. But I don't and fuck I can't stand it. You can only look on the bright side of things for so long before you just can't take it anymore. I think I'm just about at my breaking point. I don't want that to happen. I'm a very serious person yet I like to have fun but I can't if I'm not happy. When is the last time I was happy? I don't remember, I have people say things to me that made my day but that only takes me so far before it doesn't mean anything anymore. I hate bitching but I do that more than anything else, I just naturally complain on just about everything. I think I try to live my dads life too much. He married his high school sweetheart and for some reason I think I need to too. Why? I look up to my dad so much yet why? Granted hes not the greatest person in the world but now matter what he does I still think so highly of him. My dad is my hero, my idol, my whatever you want to call it. Drugs always seem good just so I have something to fall back on but I can't will myself to do them which pisses me off. I have nothing to fall back on and I hate it. I feel like I'm the only one that realizes that in 2 years we graduate and most of us will leave and we won't see each other anymore or not as much. Does any one else realize this? 2 years isn't that long if you think about it. But nobody will act on it. Oppurtunities come every so often but once they're gone you can't get them back. I've passed up my share which I regret almost everyday. Likw when I screwed things up for me and someone else. Had I just acted on it when it was there just think of where I would be now. Most likely not writing in this stupid ass thing about how I hate myself. Maybe even made tat person happy. Today on the way to my sisters concert I was listening to My Immortal by Evanescence and I realized what I'm afraid of: I'm afraid that when I die that no one will care. That I made no impact on anybody mentally or physically. That nothing I did or said meant anything to them. They'll just go on doing what they were before they found out I was gone. But even if they told me that I made a difference in their lives, would I believe it? It seems conceded to me but I think I just want to be remembered and not forgotten. I'm such a bastard.