Alex (2heartscollide) wrote, @ 2004-04-14 16:28:00

In my next life, I want to come back as someone vibrantly talented. In something. I don't care what. I'm just so fucking sick of being so ordinary.

All I do is take up space in this world. There is nothing to me, nothing I will ever contribute. I will always be the one watching on the sidelines.

Everyone I know has something extraordinarily special about them, something that they can do, something that they love. But me, I can't do anything, I'm not good at anything.

I started playing the piano again when I was a freshman because I felt so worthless. I wanted to learn how to do something, find something that I love. But I don't love piano. I never have. Yeah, it's a nice feeling to sit down and play Fur Elise but I have no desire to learn more. I don't know why I'm still doing it; whatever it is, it's the wrong reason. My teacher went away last week so it's been two weeks since my last lesson; I've touched my piano a grand total of three times. And I don't care. I didn't miss it. I know she'll be disappointed in me, when I'm awkwardly hitting the wrong notes, and I know I'll feel demeaned after I walk out of there, but every time I sit down at the piano I just want to get right back up again.

I hate quitting. And it's all I've done my entire life. I completely lack motivation, persistence, inspiration. If I had only stuck with piano since I started in first grade I would be good at it; if I only had the motivation to sit down and play for an hour a day. But I haven't played in two weeks, and I can't even get through my entire Guild list without getting up and doing something else.

But my heart just isn't in it. It isn't in anything. That's why I don't do anything. Except, I guess, for writing. But even that; I am mediocre. It's embarassing when I tell people in journalism that this is what I want to do with my life, because even in that small environment, there are so many other people who are so much better at it than I am. I will never be half the writer Graham is or Matt is or Erin is and they don't even want to become writers.

Well this was pointless. I am going to go occupy space somewhere else now. I hate myself.

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