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Helpless [12 Aug 2003|05:55pm]
[ mood | guilty ]
[ music | Siam Shade - Life ]

Things have been going down the drain since our last mission in Kyoto.

Hijiri and I came home and rested for a few days before going back to work. Hisoka and Tsuzuki got back safely from America. Hijiri started complaining about horrible headaches about a week ago, so he asked for something and I gave him some aspirin. Or, at least what I thought was aspirin. It turned his hair the color of Hisoka's ;;;. They looked like twins. And it didn't clear up his headaches any. He went out into the office and I followed him, and I saw him kiss Hisoka ;;;;;;;. I don't know what happened, but it apparently wasn't serious, except for the fact that Hisoka knocked him out cold.

A little while after that, while Hijiri was resting, Tatsumi came to us, and told me that I was needed in Kyoto to inspect one of Muraki's abandoned labs... that's not all we found there. The place Tatsumi had us set up in was an old boys' home. The same one I was placed in after my mother died. But we went to investigate and split up, which I later found, was unwise. I checked Muraki's lab, but found little. I was heading to find Hijiri when I saw Muraki himself and followed him. I hid outside his apartment but apparently, he knew I was there. He invited me in for some tea, or, should I say, demanded that I come in. There, he presented me with a business proposition, which was to work for him. I decline, until he showed me that Hijiri captured and... rather strung up like a puppet...

He threatened to hurt Hijiri... so I gave in...

He locked me down in this cold room filled with harsh lights without food or water.... there was a body there... he wanted me to bring to life... it was Tsuzuki's....

I could hear Hijiri's screams from upstairs... I can't stop hearing them. They still ring in my ears, tearing at my mind and heart......

I tried to sabotage it... but he found out... and he... he... gutted Hijiri.... right in front of me... I scrambled to give Hijiri a healing potion... I think that it did some good... Later.... I sent a message bird to Tatsumi telling him that we had encountered Muraki, but I didn't get to write much more than that. Muraki found out about that too... he came downstairs.... and shoved a hot poker throught my shoulder.... and told one of his men to keep an eye on me...

I finally finished it... and he seemed pleased. He said that I could go... and I went to get Hijiri... to get him away from that horrible place and somewhere safe..... Muraki came back in and pushed me out the window, snatching Hijiri from my grasp.... It still feels like the back of my head is open, the warm matter from inside splattered on the ground around me.... It feels disusting... even now, when it's patched up.... I hated for Tsuzuki, Hisoka, and Tatsumi to see me like that... helpless and bloody on the hot cement.

I'm not sure what happened after that... I woke up in the infirmary in the Meifu... Wakaba was healing Hijiri and me... I had to guide Hijiri back... he... he almost died... but he made it back.... just barely......

..............

He and I are on sick leave now.... I couldn't protect him from Muraki.... I couldn't protect him... I'm trying to make it up to him by doing whatever I can.... I still haven't gotten much sleep. I didn't get any until I was in the infirmary.... I don't care though... taking care of Hijiri is much more important.

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Life in death. [12 Aug 2003|10:37pm]
I'm not supposed to be here writing this. But the doctor's have left me, thinking I was asleep and I snuck onto Watari's laptop.
Doctors you say?
More like mad scientists.
THey want to check me over, examine my body, and make sure everything is in 'order'. I'm working fine now, I was fine.... They just wanted to take me apart. For the last two days, I've been strapped to a table, slowly being dissected like a common lab rat without anesthetic. The bastard who was heading this little proceeding said that I was to be undrugged to be sure all was in working order with me. They needed to check my vitals and signs carefully for any oddities.
I'm still healing from the whole thing. My insides are like water, and my ribcage fragile as paper. I'm bruised all over and my hands are shaking from typing. I'd recount all that happened but what's the point? I'm going to remember it all. I'm never going to forget..... forget the cold touch of my body or the pain I saw in Hisoka's eyes when I made him kill me again.
I don't want to think about it anymore.
The doctors say they want to run a few more small tests tommorrow. I wonder exactly what that means. That's what Konoe said the first time when he asked that I go to the lab for testing... I guess that means another trip on a gurney to the operating room of hell huh?
I really wish I could just die..... Die and not exist anywhere at all. I wish I'd never been born.... created....alive....
I heard Konoe whispering to Watari in the halls this afternoon when the doctors took a lunch break....

"He's never going to be the same again...."

No, no I'm not....


My trust is broken, and so is my heart. No one is to blame here, no one but me. If I find a way.... I'll disappear. Take the one thing important and fade away.................
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