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Sometimes I wish Hisoka weren't an empath. I was stupid to think I could keep this away from him. But my depression sinks into the house like blood through veins whenever I get like that. Hisoka knew I was sad yesterday, and was determined to find out what was wrong so he could fix it. So of course it was inevitable what happened last night...
God, I didn't want him to know. Know how much I wanted him. I went to bed early, without dinner. He came in, and demanded I tell him what was wrong. I told him he didn't want to know, and I doubted he'd want to fix it. Wrong answer. He got really angry at me, and stomped off for a while. That made me feel worse, which in turn brought him back to my room because the emotions were choking him most likely.
He told me not to do this to him. To not shut him out. I had to tell him I realized. So I did. I told him I wanted him, and I was keeping a distance right now because I knew he wasn't ready for this, and didn't want to do it. He called me a liar. Which isn't true. I told him before I was fine with waiting, but I countered, then I didn't have people shoving my face in the fact that we weren't doing anything, AND I didn't have Watari and Hijiri making me feel pretty left out. I couldn't help that I wanted him, needed him like that.
That seemed to satisfy him enough, and he told me he wasn't scared of me... I don't know why I asked, but I asked him if he would trust me enough to try... And he did.
It was sweet, and slow. I tried hard not to go too fast, despite the fact I was hungry for him. He seemed to do fine, with kissing and petting. He even let me go as far as lie on top of him, and then....well. Do it orally. But when the time came for me, he froze up, and had a panic attack.
It was enough to reinforce my barriers to the point that I knew I had to stop feeling like this not just for him but for both of us. He really cannot do this. And it's all Muraki's fault. He felt really ashamed about it all, but he has nothing to be sorry about. He tried, that was enough for me. So I promised him we wouldn't do anything more unless he wanted to.
He was pretty grateful after that, and snuggled against me.
I teased him then, that we probably shouldn't go that far anyway, at least not till we were married. I know he smiled, I felt it against my chest. I need to work on that, getting him to laugh and smile freely. At least around me. Frowns just don't suit him, even though that's all he wears.
By the way, I'm at work now. And guess what I found out? Tatsumi is playing broker for all those people at work who are betting money on Hisoka and I having sex. Wait till I find him......... *veinpop*
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