| birds. . . |
[21 May 2003|02:45pm] |
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well yesterday seemed like a normal day until Watari woke up and realized there was no more coffee. I gave him some tea but it just didnt' cut it and he had to wait till we got to the office. At the office, Tsuzuki seemed really upset. I gave him a box of pocky and he said he'd eat it later. . . that's not like Tsuzuki to say I'll eat it later at all. Whatever it was, his mood stayed the same about all day till it was time to go home. Well, Watari went into his lab and a few minutes later we heard a large boom and the lab had smoke coming out of it. Watari got out but the Gushoshin and 003 where still in side. Apparently, the twins where doing inventory and something just blew up. Watari and I ran back into the lab to find 003 and met with a big surprise. the Twins where human and 003 was back to normal. well sorta. he didn't seem at all like how everyone described him. he was tall, mousy looking, and had glasses but he seemed very much like a jerk. . . and very flirtatous as well. . . he kept hitting on me. I thought him and Watari would be like talking and trying to figure out what happened but no. He was following me. right to my desk and then to the copy room. No one was in there except us and I was about to leave when he pinned me against the wall. Luckly, Tsuzuki was walking by and saw this. but unlucky to 003 was that Tsuzuki was still in a bad mood. he shoved him through the glass into a tree. I had forgotten how strong Tsuzuki can be. He told 003 that if he ever did that again, he would kill him. and said he didn't change. I went back to my desk after Tsuzuki left and went back to work. Well Tsuzuki's mood seemed to be back to normal after something happened in the library. those two girls tried to put a wedding dress on Hisoka, which I thought was kinda cute and funny, but I told them that the bride doesn't always have to wear a dress. I was only teasing and being playful but Hisoka seemed a tad bit pissed. then those girls tried to put me into a bride's maid dress and I ran hiding till Watari found me. he did thankfully but then I realized that 003 was going to come home too. . . I tried to stay away from him most of the night but he kept making subtle moves on me but I kept getting away from them. he went to sleep in my room cause it was his room originally. But Watari saw me on the couch and I went and laid down with him till it was time for work. I'm really starting to like the idea of figuring out which of Watari's potions will turn that creep back into a bird.
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[21 May 2003|05:55pm] |
I finally told Tsuzuki how I felt.
After his shield broke.
After I hurt him pretty bad.
Perhaps starting at the beginning would be better...if I can pinpoint it. I've written before about how we've been getting closer. He admitted his feelings for me, but was waiting for me to do the same.
I was too nervous to really tell him the first time, but I whispered it to him in his sleep.
The next day at work he completely avoided me. All day.
I didn't understand why. With his wall up I couldn't get a sense of how he felt. I began to think that maybe he was tossing me aside because I was starting to love him. Everyone else in this office seems to love him, and he doesn't give them a second look. Why should I be any different?
That thought hurt more than I want to admit.
I worked up the nerve to confront him. I hid the pain behind anger. We got into an arguement. It was all my fault. I wouldn't listen. Apparently he had heard my confession, and that just made it worse. Why would he avoid me if he knew? He tried to explain. I said something to him...something about kisses being another way to lie...and he took it completely the wrong way. I'd only seen him so angry a few times before. He stormed out without another word.
I didn't go to work. Instead, I chose a perch in one of the sakura trees where I could reflect. Tatsumi found me there. He listened to my explaination, then basically ordered me to go apologise.
I had known that I would need to do that. I found Tsuzuki in the library, still in a bad mood, but more pained and less furious.
I apologised sort of quickly, worried that he might walk away. He listened to my apology, but I kept babbling anyway. I admit, I was desparate for him to understand...and not reject me.
I told him how much it hurt to not be able to feel the warmth that came with his emotions. I apologised for not being able to overcome the feeling of mistrust ingrained in me through years of hatred.
His wall came down. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me that he loved me.
Then I told him.
It was about that time that we realised that everyone in the library was staring at us.
And that mostly ended this latest problem. He forgave me. He still loves me, and he knows I love him.
I'm disgusted with myself though. I gave in to stupid insecurities. I actually admitted my fears, not only to Tsuzuki, but Tatsumi as well. And the way I felt at the thought of being abandoned....
I've gotten too used to having a friend. It's making me weak. Before I died, no one could have gotten past my walls. Then I met Tsuzuki, and he pulled me out of my self-imposed isolation. I don't think I could handle it if he left me. At best I'd become nothing but a shell, hiding from the pain.
The worst thing about it all is that I really want to trust Tsuzuki...but I don't know that I can. Not because of him...this is my fault too. I know that I can trust him...but on another level...an irrational voice drips poison in my ear, reminding me of my past, and holding me back. The short time I've been a shinigami has not been enough to counteract how I lived for sixteen years.
I'm trying. I want to be able to trust him like I told him I did. I need to find a way to show him that I'm trying.
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| wasting our time away... |
[21 May 2003|08:10pm] |
Hisoka and I had a major argument yesterday before work. Remember how I said he told me when he thought I was asleep that he loved me? Well, I didn't want him to know I heard, so I avoided him the whole day. Why? When he confronted me about it, I told him that I didn't think he knew I was awake, and didn't think he was ready to tell me yet. And I knew if I hung around him too much he'd know I'd heard and then he'd be embarrassed.
He snapped at me, wondering why he would know, if my walls are so impenetrable at the moment. I responded that all I wanted to do was kiss him, and kiss him hard. Because I was happy. I thought that would have been the end of it, and he would have understood it as I was just trying to let him decide on his own...
"Kisses can be another way to lie." Was his response.
That had hurt. A lot. I was really angry the moment the words left his lips. But instead of shouting back at him, I just left, going to work. I didn't want to hurt him, even if he'd just hurt me. I decided it would be better to let him think it over, and if he didn't get a clue, no one could help him, not even me.
Needless to say, I was pretty much useless conversationwise the entire day. Hijiri tried to cheer me up, but I wasn't feeling too socialable. All hell broke loose later on in the day, when the Gushoshin twins took inventory of the lab and managed to make something explode.
A ton of smoke and one frantic Watari later, it turned out the explosion caused both Gushoshin twins to turn human, and 003 to turn back to his original form.
003 was a human a long time ago by the way. I didn't really like him much. He was assigned to be Watari's partner, and from the get-go it was a disastor. He would make Watari do all the work, while he loafed about getting the glory. At the time Tatsumi was my partner, not the secretary. If it'd been up to Tatsumi, he'd have been fired long ago.
But back to the bird, he treated Watari like shit. Worst part was, everyone but Watari knew it. Anyone who Watari showed interest in romantically, 003 would seduce away. Anyone interested in Watari, would get turned away fiercely. He was the one that told me Watari felt something for me to. The cruel bastard thought I'd think less of Watari or something. All it did was make me not like him much. He is pretty much right below Terazuma.
The stupid pervert even tried to seduce me before that too. Tatsumi gave him a good kick to the head for his trouble.
Wow, that was a lot to rant about......... And that's just the past!
But today, he's back to his old self again. Everyone here wishes he were a damn bird again. Cept maybe Watari. Even Hijiri doesn't like him. Why? Well 003 caught on that Watari likes Hijiri. Back to his old tricks again. Of course. He cornered Hijiri alone in the copy room, while Watari was helping cleanup in the lab. 003 had him against a wall, looking ready to kiss him, molest him. It really made me mad when I came in and saw it. It must have brought back memories for Hijiri he didn't want to think about from Muraki.
I was angry. I needed a target anyway.
The copy room's window needs to be replaced now. I socked him so hard he flew right out of it. He seemed unruffled when he got back up, but I swear I really will pluck his feathers if he ever does such a thing again. I don't know if Hijiri told Watari or not...I didn't, because I thought maybe Hijiri would like to do it. Someone's got to burst that bubble Watari's got around him... It's probably the only way we'll get 003 the cute, kind owl back, and get rid of 003, the nasty, mean molesting pervert.
After I finished teaching 003 a lesson, I went to the library. I'd been researching up on the clone of me, and Muraki the whole day. Hisoka found me there, and apologized. I found I couldn't be mad at him. And he said my walls are broken down again. Like I thought, they came up because I thought he wanted them up. Now they are down because he wants them down.
So now we're officially a couple.
It's nice.
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