| almost over . . . . |
[15 May 2003|04:08pm] |
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Well the week is almost over with and I can just imagine the pile of work on my desk. I'll be spending another week just to catch up. Oh well. I can do it. It's odd but I've been thinking really hard about a lot of stuff going on. I've been thinking about what happened and about what I would like to do. Setting a few future goals that I want to work towards. and I've realized that what I need to do in order to do that is a tall order. The major thing is I'm starting to realize my mistakes. I've been very childish lately and need to fix a lot of things and act like how I should be acting. First I plan on appoligizing to Hisoka. yeah that will be a feet in it's self. I haven't been listening to him lately and I don't see a reason why he should he bother to listen to me. I don't blame him though it's my own fault. I actually admire him. I have since we first met. He seems to be a nice guy just kinda with drawn into himself. But I want to be his friend if he will let me and will want to be my friend too. He protected me back then I now I want to repay him for that and I've been going around it the wrong way. But I think after he gets off work, I'm going to go and see if he will talk to me and this time I will listen to him. but forgivness will take time but it will be for the best for everyone.
I actually got Watari out of his room last night. We watched a bit of a movie before we started to talk. I told him I was conserned about him not getting enough rest and the frustration he seems to have over his project. He told me that he hasn't been sleeping well and that night that we slept next to each other, he got a very restful night. He asked me if I would stay by him last night and I told him I would. He was worried that I wouldn't want to and it would bother me but I really enjoyed it. I feel safe in his embrace and if it would give him a better night's rest that's an extra plus. and last night. . . I don't know what came over us but we um. . .got into the moment I guess you could call it. He was on top of me and we about well. . . anyways, I stopped it and I was sorry about it too on both parts. I wanted it but I wasn't ready for it. I do love him but I don't want to just jump into something like that. We haven't even really "dated" and I want to take the relationship slow so we can both enjoy it and learn more about each other and trust each other deeper then anything. I do trust him but I want that deeper trust. . . well I better go see if I can make something before I leave. I think we still have some stuff left over to make some spagetthi. Watari should be happy since he loves italian.
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[15 May 2003|05:18pm] |
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I don't know what to do. About Tsuzuki, I mean.
It was so much easier back when he was just a plain old baka. Now everything has been turned upside down, and I can't figure out which way is up.
I've let him kiss me a few times. Why, I'm not sure. Is it because he loves me, or because I love him? It's always been like this. My empathy causes me to feel other's emotions...but I can't always identify my own. I can't tell where others' feelings end and mine begin. That's one reason why I started hiding how I felt in the first place; when the problems with my empathy were just starting. I didn't want to express emotions that weren't my own, and since I could never be sure, I tried to become unreadable.
I don't know what to say to him. The feeling I get when he kisses me isn't bad, but I don't know how I really feel about him. I don't want to lead him on...which is exactly what I'll have been doing if it turns out that my feelings are only his being reflected through my mind.
I do care for him. I have no doubts about that. My empathy was blocked completely when I was a cat, so all I felt were my own emotions. I didn't examine them too closely because my attention was on other things...but I know that Tsuzuki is a very important person to me.
I told him about the problems with my empathy. His suggestion was for us to spend time apart, so I can sort out my feelings. I don't want to do that, though. No matter what my feelings for him are...his presence is still comforting. And...I told him that. And he smiled.
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