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. . . .shock of my life. . . [07 May 2003|12:38am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I just woke up a minute ago to find myself sleeping next to Watari. He held me all this afternoon. I wasn't doing so good and I'm thankful that he came to find me. My head is in disarray but this is what happened. . . I went to work this morning kinda nervous and all. Konoe-san said that I was finished with my training yesterday and that he was going to talk to Tatsumi-san to tell me of my progress and talk to him about what he thinks about me staying here. I was scared. . . I don't know I just had that feeling again really badly that I was going to be transferred. I was summoned to see Tatsumi-san and my fears became reality. . . he said that I would be more suited to be partnered with someone in Italy. . . Italy. . . it's so far away. Tatsumi-san said that there wasn't a discussion to defend myself to stay basically. He told me that my powers are very special and that this was for the best. I left his office and I think Tsuzuki heard what happened. He wants to help me to be able to stay. He says that if I can learn to summon shikigami's that he would ask Enma Daioh to let me stay. I hope that will be all it will take. I don't want to leave my friends. . . I couldn't take it anymore and went home. I couldn't stop crying when I got home. . . Watari came home from work as well and he tried to help reassure me that everything will be ok. He calmed me down. . . . .
I asked him if his love for me was more then just friendship. . . he said it was. I asked him cause. . . when I knew that I was going to be transferred I could only think about how I would hurt him. . . I knew then I loved him too.
I fell asleep against him and he stayed by me the whole afternoon. He's still asleep and I'm going to crawl back in next to him. I'm going to work hard to stay. . . for him and for everyone that doesn't want me to leave. and so I won't lose being with my friends. . .

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Feeling regretful... [07 May 2003|04:04pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Hijiri's being transferred to Italy. He found out yesterday, and I overheard it. He was upset about it, but Tatsumi gave him hope that he could come and visit us all between jobs.

Tatsumi thinks I'm mad at him for 'transferring' Hijiri. No. I know he wasn't the only one who had a say, it was between him, Konoe, and Daioh.

I'm angry at Tatsumi for giving him false hopes like that... As it is, our department barely has enough money for a vacation between islands of JAPAN, why should it be easier for Hijiri to make it across the globe between his jobs??? I rarely get to see friends I have who are in Japan, much less those abroad. It makes me angry.

I kinda blew up on Hisoka too.... I don't know, yesterday I was just on edge. Now I know why I was. I could feel the impending doom in the air... That and it was pay day. ~_~*sigh* Hisoka made a few mistakes on our report, and uncharacteristically I pointed all of them out and fixed them myself. (Which means he knows I can do this now and will make me do more work. ;_;)

I'm really worried about Hijiri. He went home early yesterday... I made it clear to Watari he should go as well, and he left too.

One week and counting. I asked my 'nicer' shikigami if they would mind temporarily being Hijiri's shikis. Byakko said if I ordered it he would... But no one else seemed up to help. I can't blame them, they have matters of their own to attend to, and they have pride to maintain. It's complicated. Suzaku said she was sorry she couldn't, but she usually tends to stay with one master only. Touda just shook his head. So it's down the Byakko now.

The reason Hijiri's being transferred is because he's not a summoner. I don't know if they've tried teaching Hijiri summonings yet. If he can learn to summon Byakko, maybe we'd have a better chance of keeping him here when I ask Konoe to discuss this matter again with Enma Daioh.

To be honest I'm not just doing this because Hijiri's a friend, but because he could be very vital to our department. He and Watari are the perfect partners. They both specialize in something no one else around here does. I think that the three 'heads' are making a huge mistake by shipping him off to some foriegn land.

Besides all of that.... Hijiri died because he wanted to be with us. Doesn't that stand for anything? It's his attachment to the world, and inbetween. It isn't fair to Watari either, who just settled down with a partner at last. It's just not fair.

yeah yeah shut up Tsuzuki, the world isn't always fair.

Yeah but we're also dead too, so why does that mean it has to be unfair?



I'm going to go finish some reports and head home. I want to make something for Hisoka tonight, to apologize for the way I treated him yesterday. I just have to figure out what his favorite food is....

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More than the Earth loves the Moon [07 May 2003|10:04pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | David Bowie - As the World Falls Down ]

Hijiri... is being transferred.... to fucking Italy!

I can't believe it... I just can't... I refuse to...

He'll be with other music-powered shinigami... but I won't get to see him anymore... God knows that he'll never have the time or money to come visit... and neither will I. I told him that I would starve in order to raise the money to go and see him... I suppose I'm that desparate. He told me not to do that though... because he didn't want to worry even more about me...

I held him... it was the only thing I could do... I couldn't find words when they were needed the most... he eventually calmed down... and asked me if I still loved him... 'more than the earth loves the moon'... that was the only way I could describe it...

We kissed...

he told me that he loved me too... that he had finally realized it... and I held him some more...

He fell asleep in my arms. I took him to his bed and laid down with him... I couldn't bear to leave him like that... after a while, I fell asleep, staring at him without my glasses on...

And he's asleep now... poor thing...

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