| RAKKI! |
[27 Apr 2003|10:16am] |
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I feel so... happy. I must be a real annoyance to everyone though. I can't stop drifting off to sleep over all of this boring paperwork. Why? Hijiri came over last night for dinner, and let's just say he stayed for breakfast too. ^.^ LUCKY!
I don't think we'll be doing much of that tonight though, I have to pack. I'm moving in about two or three days since Tatsumi is making Hisoka and I move in together over the whole shared debt thing. ^^; It shouldn't be too bad packing up, I don't have too many things besides furniture. And dishes. And utensils... and... wow. My kitchen might take a few more days to completely pack. @_@; I hope the new apartment has room!
This whole move might cause some problems. I'm still not sure about how well Hisoka might handle Hijiri and I in the same house as him....doing things. We may have to go to Hijiri's. But then again, Watari may not like it either. Argh! I don't care......... I don't want to think about it. I just want to be happy. Even if we're not doing anything, I'm happy just being with him.
Waaa, he's so cute. He's sitting at his desk now doing some paperwork his little nose twitching every once in a while as he concentrates. He looks like a small white rabbit with that soft skin of his too. <3 I think I'm gonna nickname him Usagi-chan. :3
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| feeling better. . . |
[27 Apr 2003|10:39am] |
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Yesterday was proably the best day I have had since I became a shinigami. It started out being very weird. I went into work today and went to go tell Watari thanks and that my wound is almost gone and I saw him and Tsuzuki laughin there heads off but their head was more or less being pulled back by their many locks of hair. I think Watari's reached the floor and Tsuzuki's to his knees. Well Watari's chopped his back to normal but a little bit longer and then Tsuzuki's to his waist so he could still give Hisoka and Tatsumi-san a bit of a scare. I asked Watari if he wanted some lunch and he said he wasn't hungry so I asked Tsuzuki if he would like to go in his place. Luckly I knew where an all you can eat buffet was so that I didn't have to worry about a high bill and Tsuzuki would get all that he wanted. Before we left though, he drank one of Watari's potions. Watari said it was a failure and didn't do anything except make you dizzy.
Tsuzuki and I got to the resturant when he started to feel really hot. He was downing soda and water like it was nothing and then he ran to the bathroom. It looked like he would throw up so I went after him. I don't know what Watari actually created but Tsuzuki was all over me it seemed like! He said he was hot. . . yeah he was hot. So hot he kept kissing me and was starting to make the moves on me. He kept saying he was sorry and all but I told him he couldn't help it, it was the potion telling him what to do. I didn't know how to help so I grabbed our stuff and called Watari to hurry up with an antidote and I teleported Tsuzuki and I to his apartment.
I let him do what he wanted. . .
I felt bad. I didn't want him to feel hot and touching me seemed to help him. . . and I didn't want him to feel like Muraki. He kept saying that Hisoka said he was like Muraki. . . . he's not.
Before Tsuzuki and I did anything but lay in his bed . . . naked. . . Watari popped in with the antidote. I was a bit embaressed for him to see me there not wearing anything since I know how he feels about me . . . I mean that whole thing was why I offered to take Tsuzuki out to lunch was that I saw it was a good chance for me to talk to Tsuzuki about Watari. The potion was wearing off and so I told Watari that we would be back at the office soon and to just go on ahead. I took my chance to talk but it didn't turn out like how I imagined it would be. I found out that apparently Tsuzuki liked me too! I mean I've always hoped he did and all but I thought that him and Hisoka were. . . well the couple and I had no chance. But he liked me and he asked me to be his. The potion was gone I knew so it was true.
Everything on my shoulders seemed to melt away and I knew almost what I wanted. When we got back to work I did feel a bit gulity though cause Watari and Hisoka saw us kissing and I could tell how much it hurt Watari. He was the one who loved me but I didn't know if I felt the same way but he knew that I had a crush on Tsuzuki and now I had that happiness that kept me alive when Muraki had me. Watari told me that he was happy for us but I knew that he was hurt inside and wasn't showing it . . . Well he went on a vacation today so hopefully that will help him to clear his mind and maybe make him feel a bit better. I doubt it because I know what he's doing and that is painful in it's self. . . I'll still be his friend and roommate and partner as Tsuzuki will be to Hisoka.
Well at practice, Konoe-san still seemed to be in a bit of shock finding out about Tsuzuki and me but we got through the training session. Went home and changed and then ran over to Tsuzuki's for dinner after I stopped at the store to pick up a couple of things. I got there and we had a nice meal. Yes Tsuzuki can actually cook a little or he's just gotten better since the curry inccident.
Before we even sat down to eat dessert. . . . we. . . well. . . . let's just say I've never felt that wonderful ever. It was better then wonderful, I felt like I was in complete bliss at his touches. I never felt like melting like puddy until last night when I was in his arms. I just feel wonderful thinking about it. . . being with Tsuzuki last night. He was so gentle and so caring. . . We woke up just in time to see the sunrise. I thought I should had gone back home to see Watari off but I just felt I couldn't leave Tsuzuki there and him wake up alone. He's actually smiling again. as am I . . .
I had a wonderful night's rest finally. and even more beautiful dreams. . . . I'm stopping by Tsuzuki's again tonight. I think we'll just skip to dessert tonight. . . .
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[27 Apr 2003|03:45pm] |
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Tsuzuki's still upset with me.
He's hiding it well. Even though I've been trying to dampen my empathy, I still should have been able to feel what he does. Ever since he used his magic through me to save us from Muraki I've been able to sense his emotions easier and more clearly than anyone else's. He's buried this deep, though, and it took me a few days to see it.
I don't know what caused it. At this point it could be any number of things.
He got pretty upset when he found out that I had chosen to take part of his debt, but what else is there for me? I would be working here anyway, so why not help him while I'm at it?
He was hurt when I told him that I got the same feeling when he...kissed me...as I did from Muraki. I can't blame him for getting hurt over that. I was too blunt, and didn't explain properly. It was just a feeling, like anger, sadness, or joy. Everyone feels those things, but the combination of that particular feeling and his action brought back memories that I'd rather leave buried. I still don't want to think about it now.
There was a third possibility, but it doesn't fit. Tsuzuki told me that he needed me, and I told him that I couldn't feel that for him. I almost thought that this upset him, but the next day I saw him kissing Hijiri. Tsuzuki isn't the type of person to use someone to forget someone else. He needed Hijiri...not me. When Tsuzuki needed cheering up, I tried my best and I still failed. Hijiri succeded, and Tsuzuki's happy, so I guess it all worked out for the best.
..............................................................................................................
At least my curse has finally stopped burning. I just hope that all this isn't the calm before the storm.
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| Even if it hurts |
[27 Apr 2003|03:48pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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X-Japan - Forever Love |
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I’m crying so hard it hurts… I can’t even see. I had to take my glasses off because I keep fogging them up…
Hijiri is in love with Tsuzuki… I saw them kissing in the office today when I was coming out of the lab. Hijiri explained to me what was going on… I hid my pain… when he told me… he looked at me as if he could see right through me, as if he knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking…
As long as they’re happy together… right?
Isn’t that what matters?
I wish so much now that I had told Hijiri how I felt about him… maybe then… no… I don’t think it would have made a difference. He’s been in love with Tsuzuki since they met…
Why did I ever think that I had a chance? Stupid me.
This isn’t the first time… I was in love with Tsuzuki too… but Hisoka came… and I backed off.
There isn’t anyone out there for me. I’ll be alone here in my eternity just as I was in life. There isn’t a happily ever after for me.
I just want Hijiri to be happy… maybe I can’t give him what he wants… Tsuzuki can… It hurts to love someone this much… After all, what am I? I’m clumsy, and a screw-up, and… and… he deserves someone like Tsuzuki… I don’t deserve someone like him… like either of them
I’m going to Osaka tomorrow… Konoe agreed to let me have a day off. Maybe the cold air will clear my head. I think this outage will do me some good… get me away from the office and from everyone for a little while.
I can still feel the shards of that coffee cup I dropped when I saw them… I still feel think slicing my hands, spilling my warm blood.
I left Hijiri a note on the counter for him when he gets home. I hope he finds it
Dear Hijiri,
I hope you had a good time with Tsuzuki. I probably won’t see you at all tomorrow. I’m taking the early train to Osaka, and coming back mid-afternoon.
Sincerely,
Watari
P.S.: I hope that you and Tsuzuki are very happy together ^_^
It hurt so much to write those words…
I wish I could stop crying… What good am I like this? I’m going to wait up for Hijiri… tell him how I feel… even though I know it won’t change anything… I think he should know.
I have to accept what’s happened… even if it hurts…
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| Osaka |
[27 Apr 2003|04:00pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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To Destination - Boundless Love |
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Well.... I'm on the train back from Osaka. I didn't do much today...
I paid my mother a visit... I left some lilies on her grave. I talked to her a bit. About Hijiri... and Tsuzuki... and just everything...
I saw my own grave next to hers... I hate looking at my own grave. It sends chills up my spine. I left a sunflower... that's it. No one ever left flower there anyway. My relatives didn't like me much.
I went and had some tea at a restaraunt I used to love...
The cold air didn't do much to clear my head. It only made me think harder about Hijiri... and my feelings for him. I waited up all last night for him to come home so I could tell him how I felt... but he never came. I didn't worry too much, because he was with Tsuzuki. I hope he found my note.
I bought Tsuzuki and Hijiri something... just a little gift to show them how much I hope they are happy together. It's a stuffed animal thing, of two dogs holding a heart. I hope they like it.
Back to the office tomorrow.... *sigh* I'll probably stay in the lab all day.
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