| practice, practice. . . practice |
[26 Apr 2003|01:15am] |
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Well another sleepless night last night. I think I'm going to get some sleep tonight though. It's been interesting around the office needless to say. We've all been really worried about Tsuzuki. He just came into to day to work and he was about as exhausted as I am. Hisoka said that he got drunk last night, I guess to drown his sorrows as they usually say. They had an arguement today and then Tsuzuki ran to the bathroom. He came back a bit better so he proably throw up. It's odd, sometimes you'll feel better just throwing up. Anyways. I went to talk to Tatsumi-san today. . . . I got my violins back. I think I'll put mine from my life up and display it in my room or something. Well my meeting with Tatsumi-sam was a bit unnerving for me. . . kinda my fears were revealed but not really. . . .well anyways I found out that. . . I'm going to be trained under Konoe-san to hone in on my powers a bit better so I don't out do myself like I did that last time. My training started after work so I left a note under Watari's door telling him I would be late. I started after work today so I just got back and found Watari working on the couch. I'm not even hungry I'm so tired. I'm glad. . . . maybe I can rest. . . . I feel so sore too. . . I had a little incident with Hisoka today. I was bringing a cake to Tsuzuki to try and cheer him up a bit and also talk to him about what's been going on. . . I'm just so unsure of anything right now. I thought I would get a chance to talk to him but Hisoka was there. . . . we got into an arguement again. What a surprise. . . I don't know what it is but I just keep getting so mad at him when he says something. I don't know maybe I'm just jealous or something. Well we got into the arguement and he said I acted like a foolish child. . . that made me so mad even if I knew it was true. . . I have been acting like a child thinking anything could be solved over just talking. . . he started to leave but I didn't want to just have him stop it right there and I grabbed his wrist and he flung me against the wall. Yes it hurt but not as much as the truth I guess. . . Tsuzuki came out and I gave him the cake and left telling him not to be sad anymore. I know it proably didn't but I wanted to feel that I knew that I cared. . . I don't think he really knew that I cared that much about him and that I don't want to see him like this and that I want to help him get back to normal. . . I left him a note telling him I'm sorry and walked home. . . slowly though since it hurt too much to move. . . . I have to get back to the living room soon. I hear Watari yelling for me to not be a scardy cat and come take the painful stuff he's going to put on the cut and the bruise on my back like a man. . . that doesn't bother me though. . . . . why is everything so foggy right now. . . I wish it would just go away so I can see where I'm going again. . . .
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[26 Apr 2003|11:10am] |
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................................................................................................................................It wasn't a dream.
I can't believe it. I actually kissed him and ASKED him that. *holds head* And what's more, hung over at work yesterday, I let him know it was true. That humilation isn't the worst part, it's more about the fact that he told me when I kissed him.....
I felt like Muraki.
Well, more or less it was sort of familar sensation.
Last night he came over and ran into Hijiri on his way up too. They got into a fight and Hisoka accidentally hurt him, using his powers. I hope Hijiri's alright. He seemed really stiff this morning when he came in... But after Hijiri went home, Hisoka came into my apartment and we talked. That's when he told me about Muraki and I feeling the same.
And he told me never to do it again.
I'm not sure what hurt more, but both stung a lot. I can't let him know that. After we'd talked, he gave me a note from Tatsumi-- Since Hisoka is taking half of my debt, we're both going to be poor. We have to move in together to make ends meet now. Tatsumi said he'd handle it... But because of this, I just have to rub salt into the wounds, and go on with a smile.
I don't want to hurt Hisoka. And being sad like this is doing that. So I'll forget it and pretend it didn't happen. Afterall, I think that's what Hisoka wants to do too. Who could blame him?
Watari asked me earlier to come to his lab. No doubt he wants to test something out. He's been sad lately too... I think I'll go and see him soon, and test out things for him. It's the least I can do, to cheer him up. Besides, I feel like I deserve some sort of punishment right now.
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| Various things from the past few days... |
[26 Apr 2003|03:53pm] |
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mood |
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working |
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music |
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Vanessa Mae - Fuga |
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This hasn't quite been the best of weeks, has it?
Hijiri came home late last night, from training or something, and he had a huge bruise on his back. He wouldn't tell me what happen. I could tell from the look in his eyes that it was bothering him, but he stil wouldn't tell me. I bandaged the wound and he went to bed.
I've been lossing some sleep. Not enough to really bother me. I just found myself shuffling around in the kitchen last night around 2:30 am, and I had no clue what I was doing or trying to do. I haven't quite digressed to sleepwalking yet.
Worked all day in the lab yesterday. I'm doing the same today. I haven't been eating lately either. But I'm never hungry. If I'm not hungry, I usually don't eat. But I should probably eat something tonight. Hijiri's going to be out training again, so I'll pick up something from the store on the way home.
Tsuzuki came back to work today. I want to do something for him... but I don't know what to do. I considered testing a potion on myself and seeing how that turned out.
But I decided that it would be a flop.
*sigh* I talked to Konoe this morning... about taking a day off. I've gotten all my assignments done ahead of time, and currently I'm working on next week's. I don't think a day off would throw me off all that much. But what would I do on a day off? Stay home? I was thinking about maybe going to Osaka... there's someone there I want to visit. Someone I haven't seen in a long time.
Oh well. Back to work.
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| And there went the trouble. |
[26 Apr 2003|09:15pm] |
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Today was weird. Strange. Scary.
Incredibly.....GOOD.
What looked like a bleak and lonely existance is now full of hope and promise. I'm so glad I stopped by Watari's lab today. We tested out a potion to promote hair growth. It worked. We both looked so strange with long hair.... Long hair suits Watari. ^^
Then I found something sweet that tasted nice.
I just drank it. It smelled so much like strawberry cake....
That's when things went wrong. Soon as I drank it I got a little dizzy. The room was hot too. But Hijiri offered to take me to lunch, since Watari didn't feel like going. So I went instead and before we were done eating I felt like I would burn up.
It was a lust potion. I couldn't help it. Hijiri came in to see if I was alright, and all I could do was touch his cool skin and kiss him in an attempt to put out the fire that had started over my nerves. He tried hard to keep me at bay but.... he eventually told me that he'd do it with me, just to keep from feeling pain. He called Watari before we went back to my place to get an antidote. I felt so damn stupid.... So useless.................So awful.......... It was like I was becoming Muraki. Just like Hisoka had said.
All I could think about was Hisoka when it happened. He'd seemed so afraid of me when I'd admitted how I felt. How I touched him. Hijiri surely felt the same disgust, right?
No.
After Watari showed up (in an embarrassing situation I might add), and gave me the antidote, Hijiri and I talked.
He LIKES me!
He wants me....
I was so happy.... I wanted to make him happy. I asked him to be mine. I told him that he was special to me. He is. He saved me. And he saved me again today. I'm so glad....So happy. He's coming over for dinner tonight. *niko*
It was a little embarrassing when Hisoka found out. Watari too. I should have known better than to kiss Hijiri in the office. I think...both of them were hurt. Hisoka especially. But.... I don't know anymore. Hisoka doesn't like me like that. We're friends. It doesn't matter my feelings for him if they aren't returned.
Hijiri likes me though. And I like him.
So we're happy.
I can't wait for tonight.
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[26 Apr 2003|09:50pm] |
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It shouldn't bother me. I just keep telling myself that. Over and over: It shouldn't bother me. It's his choice. It's his life. It's none of my business.
So why do I care?
Tsuzuki needs someone. He told me that the one he needed was me, but I can't be that for him. Not now. But I should be happy that he's found someone. After all, he's happy. He's almost back to normal, and that's what I wanted.
I just wish it hadn't been him.
Tsuzuki chose Hijiri. And I can't stand Hijiri.
Ever since he came here we've been at each other's throats. He's been meddling in my business, yelling at me for things that he doesn't understand, and twisting my words when I explain myself. I've done my share of yelling too, and I may have been the one to spark the hostilities originally, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't stand being anywhere near him.
I think it's because I'm jealous. I look at Hijiri and I see everything I could have had if it weren't for my empathy. He had a good life. His family loved him, he had friends. He was happy. I had to die before I had any of that, and now I can't function properly because of it. A pathetic marionette with slit strings...that's all I am.
But I guess it's my own fault, isn't it? I let them get to me in life. I let them twist my thoughts until I became what I am now. I was stupid and I let them get to me. I won't let it happen again. I won't let myself slip further away from humanity. I will be happy for Tsuzuki. I won't let Hijiri bother me.
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