| still not sleeping. . . |
[24 Apr 2003|12:12am] |
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I don't feel good. . . I can't sleep and I haven't eaten cause I don't feel like food. I've just been drinking tea. I just went to get me another cup and I saw Watari on the couch again and I covered him up. I saw him holding a piece of paper and on closer examination I saw a beautiful women with golden blonde hair. I've never seen a lady that pretty. It dawned on me who it was too, it was Watari's mother. It's cute, he gets his looks from his mother. . . . oh gosh did I say that. . . well. . . it's true. But I'm back in my room and still restless. I avoided Watari all day. I was doing mostly copy and filing today so I didn't even notice the time and it was after lunch so I didn't get to get something to eat and something for Watari. . . . I can't get him out of my mind now. I keep thinking about his journal. . . his actions. . . .everything about him. I don't know if I love him still. . . I mean I did have a crush on Tsuzuki. . . I found out most of the others did or do at one point and time. I guess it's just his charm that attracts everyone from him. anyways. . . I wish I could get to sleep. . . I can't keep this up or I won't be able to work. oh well. . . I think I'll try again.
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| suprise I can move. . . . |
[24 Apr 2003|09:20am] |
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I can't believe I'm still moving after another sleepless night. Nothing is helping. I don't know if it's I can't relax or I just don't want to go to sleep. I just don't know and it's bothering me. I don't want Watari to know. I don't want him to worry so I'm not going to mention it. I mean I can function and everything, it's just my body is about to give out. . . I'll just keep pushing myself. Well I can hide this from Watari easily. He'll proably be in his lab all day and he'll be home late. I think I'll buy lunch for Watari and me but I'll just leave his at the lab again. . . or maybe I just won't eat again. My stomache feels queasy still and about the only thing I can get down is tea. I guess it's just that I'm stressing. . . I know it's nothing to stress over but. . . I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I still feel. I mean I did have a crush on Tsuzuki for the longest time and then when I knew he didn't feel the same, Watari was there. He was the one that held me that night making me feel better. Then he got me the teddy bear. . . I mean maybe I do like him. . . but I don't know if it's the same way. I'm still so confused. . . and then to add to that what Tatsumi-san said. I just can't think about anything but those two things it seems. If it does happen. . . I really don't want to move departments but maybe it would be the best. . . I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. I'm proably not going to be moved. I don't know why I'm worrying about it. oh well. . . I feel a bit better now. . . I think this helped me straighten out my thoughts that were so jumbled last night. even if they are still not completely clear.
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[24 Apr 2003|10:04pm] |
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I knew this would happen. Tsuzuki's dropped into depression again. I knew that would happen if he went to Kyoto...but then, I had thought it would all be Muraki's fault. It's so easy to blame Muraki, after all. This time...I think it's my fault.
Tsuzuki went to Kyoto knowing what was going to happen. He was ready to do what it took to learn what he wanted to know. Then I got mad at him, yelling at him for being rash and irresponsible. I hurt him.
He was avoiding me before he left. He was avoiding everyone, but I was the one that he just couldn't stand to be around. I tried to call and apologise, but his machine cut off, and I don't know whether he got the message or not. He didn't come back to work. I think I'm going to have to apologise in person.
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