| tossing and turning. . . |
[23 Apr 2003|08:01am] |
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I could hardly sleep last night thinking of so many things. . . First ofcoarse about Watari. I still can't get what I read out of mind. . . He dreams about me. . . and he loves me . . . . I don't know what to say or how to feel. All I know, is that I feel so red just thinking about it. I'm so confused right now, I mean I don't know how I feel towards him. I mean I care a lot about him. He's helped me so much since I've become a shinigami. I even enjoy his company and I know I always have an audience to play to with him. I just don't know what to do. . . . I think I'll go to work early so I don't have to see him just yet. I'll leave him a note or something so he doesn't get suspious. I wouldn't be feeling like this is I had not read that journal like I wasn't suppose to. I just couldn't help it though but why did I do it? I don't read anyone else's journal but I just had to that night. Anyways. . . been thinking about something Tatsumi-san said to me as well when I was under my trance. . . it was odd but even though I didn't know what I was doing, I could hear everyone's voice. I heard Tatsumi-san's. . . . Do I really belong in this department? I mean they said I had potential energy to be in the summoning branch but now that we all know I don't that I'm not really cut out. . . . I'm afraid of being transferred. I mean I would be able to see everyone still ofcoarse but I won't be Watari's. . . partner. . . and I wouldn't get to see everyone as often. I still don't know my full power but from what I've tried to figure out. . . I have powers of an exorcist and I can heal. I'm not to sure about that last one but thinking back I played my music and I felt much better after I played it. Right now I"m at my wits end. . . I'm unsure of everything now. . . . even my worth. . . better get to work soon. Watari will be waking up.
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| Sleeping in... |
[23 Apr 2003|08:55pm] |
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I slept in till 10:30 today. There were four messages on my answering machine, all from work. One from Tatsumi, one from Konoe, one from Watari.....and one from Hisoka.
I listened to them-- except Hisoka's. I don't want to hear him right now.
I spent the day cleaning my apartment. It was really dusty. The work helped me relax a bit. It was some menial task to do and didn't recquire much brain power. I don't like working if I need to think too much. Which is probably why I'm in working around Kyuushuu mainly. It's rare that I go anywhere else in the division but lately it seems like whenever something huge comes up, no matter where, I'm on it. Not my fault, Konoe always seems to shove me into it.
Only because I have 12 of the most powerful shikigami.... I never ASKED them to be my shikis. I became their friends and they WANTED to be them... I couldn't refuse them, that would hurt their pride and feelings. I never asked for any of this... Hisoka told me that I should be happy they are my friends. And that I'm helping humanity because of it.
Is it because I'm working for free now that all of this bad stuff is happening to me?
Probably. Now I don't have a choice anymore. I'm nothing but a mere slave I guess. Hah. I'm really not sure if I really feel like doing this much anymore. I want to help people............... but am I really doing that? All I do is kill....... Bring souls up to their judgement. That's hardly helping humanity.
When am I going to be allowed to rest? Never? Am I going to spend my whole eternity like this?
Is eternity really forever?
I hope not.
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[23 Apr 2003|11:43pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Utada Hikaru - First Love |
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I didn't see much of anybody today... it seems like everyone's avoiding me... or am I avoiding them?
I don't know...
I've spent most of my time in the lab today. Didn't see Hijiri. He was already at work when I woke up. Didn't see him around the office...
Didn't see anybody really. I didn't eat lunch. I just stayed in the lab and worked.
I left a note on Hijiri's desk telling him that I was going to be home late, and not to bother waiting up for me or anything. I'm home now though. I'm exhausted... but not tired. I need to go to sleep anyway. I should probably eat something to, but I'm not hungry.
I keep taking out a picture... I've had this picture since I was about 18... I've never shown it to anybody...
It's a picture of my mother...
forget it, never mind. I must sound like some stupid kid.
I'm going to bed now... I'm going to be staying overtime tomorrow too probably.
Oyasumi
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