I don't really know what i'm doing writing here.
I don't think I really classify as Ana yet.
I've cut my calorie intake too under 500 a day and I've been like that for about 10days now. In the past 10 days I've lost 3.8 kgs which equates to something like 8pounds? i think?
I've always been one of the chubbier kids, and have always envied those who were skinner then me (which would be a lot of the population...and on a side note my base deadly sin is DEFINITELY envy).
I enjoy performing and always found it so demoralizing the costume that I would have to force myself into. I was sick and tired of being that person...
So - thats how I ended up here. And for once I feel in control. I've finally taken a step in the positive direction and am shedding the much needed kilos.
I find myself no longer wanting to eat - the sites and smells of food remind me of what I am - and how i came to be this way. Its not good enough. I need to be better than that.
thanks for listening/reading.
I wanted to be wanted to before I was loved. BY. CNT
I lovw my boyfriend and my self
i dont know what the hell's wrong with me. i dont get it! i was doing fine the first few days. i never messed up once. always did my workouts and kept my c's down. so what the fuck is WRONG with me???
broke down with a fucking binge. ROYALLY SICKENING BINGE AT BURGER KING.
2 whoppers with cheese, 3 medium fries, 2 medium vanilla shakes, 1 orange soda, 1 chicken sandwich, an apple pie, and NO PURGE.
i'm a fucking failure. stupid fat fucking cow. better to not eat at all. to just stay locked up in a room somewhere with nothing but a bedpan and a blanket. god i'm so disgusting. somebody just shoot me now.
Recap on the last two days:
- Thursday: Slept in all day and missed all my meals. Got up around 3am and had some water with a wafer.
- Friday: Slept off most of the day. I think I caught a cold. It's been FREEZING here for the past day and a half. >_<
Breakfast: 1/2 cup cornflakes, no milk = 50c
Lunch: Homemade jello cup (15) / Homemade fruit salad (65) = 80c
Dinner: 1/2 veggie patty (50) / 1/8 cup rice (25) = 75
Workouts: None. I'll just go walking for an hour close to dinner time.
Output: approx. -550
I need another nap. I got the sniffles. T_T
Breakfast - 1 yogurt cup (70) / 1 fiber wafer (15) = 85c
Lunch - 1 cup steamed mixed veggies = 41c
Dinner - 1 cup steamed mixed veggies (41) / 1 cup vitamin shake (35) = 76c
10am = Pilates Workout (20m) : -297c
4pm = Aerobics Workout (1h) : -1272c
It's been a long while since I've been here. 2 years, just about...
Here's what's been up:
-Went into the Clinic and put on weight
-Came out and lost the weight again (low weight 97 lbs. grats to me)
-Got declared "legally unfit" to care for myself and was shipped out of the states to a "facility" my parents picked out for me
-Put on a whopping 68 pounds of greasy pukish flab
-Came back to the states recently
-Plotting desperately to get back to ana
Yep. That's it. I'm a sick sick pig.
I'm moving away from home in three months, so I have to use this time to get re-situated with my diet, or I just KNOW I'll be stuck in OE mode. I had a binge yesterday that I didn't throw up, and I'm freaking out because I didn't even think about it at the time.
:: Today, I had a bowl of rice and a cup of fruit punch.
This isn't gonna happen again. On here, I know I'm safe.
Ate about 200 cals more, although it was mostly good-for-me stff like squash and broccoli. Still though...
NEW TOTAL= 700 cals
Doing well today, still on track to keep my diet going. So far I've had...
5 Tater tots--50 cals?
2 clementine oranges-- 65 cals
one cup of butternut squash-- 85 cals
chicken broth--10 cals
4 mini turkey meatballs-- 140 cals
a few pieces of penne pasta-- 50 calories
goldfish-- 40 calories
TOTAL= 500 cals
I think I'll go for a 3 mile run today to burn off the extra 200 calories that I had today.
danced, had a lot of fun last night, had a few shots. Kept the calories down to 300, ALL NIGHT, skipped cake without anyone noticing, etc. Then at like 2 in the morning all the girls who were sleeping over went down to the kitchen to eat MORE cake...and i couldn't help it, but i went all out and totally blew it.....i ate cake, ALMONDS (fucking almonds!! i hate youuuuu), and potato chips, which I don't even like. Then I had even more cake and heavy duty frosting, and cupcakes. WTF. In the pics of our dance party, of course, I looked terribly fat...if somehow my friends hadn't noticed me gaining weight, there's NO way they couldn't have noticed now.
Fuck carbs...once I eat them, I have SUCH a craving for them the next day, and that's why I get into my binging phases. Today I'm gonna go back to my "300 cal or under" plan instead of completely fasting, because I know that if I completely restrict myself I'll just end up binging tomorrow or late tonight. GRRRRR I'm such a gross fattie right now. I'm not weighing myself again til the damage is atoned for...aka like, in a week...hahahah....damnit.
I'm happy right now. I ate 290 calories on friday, and I had planned to eat about the same amount on saturday, but late last night I ended up giving in and eating because I had felt so weak for the entire day. I'm proud of myself though, because instead of binging like I normally would have after not eating for so long, I only ate about 800 calories, totaling 1100 over the course of the day, which in itself is still below my bmr. Maybe my brain is learning to change my binging ways; i hope so.
Today, I plan on doing another 300-cal-or-below mission. I think I may just alternate, eating 1000 every other day and 300 each day in between, just so that I don't get so incredibly weak as I've been getting lately.
Tonight is a dance birthday party for my friend, so I'm excited not only because I'll be with my friends, but also because I ADORE dancing, and because dancing burns calories!! The only part I'm not so excited about is all of the junk food that will be there, including cake, and the fact that people might act wierd if I tell them I don't want any. Meh, hopefully I'll be able to slip it past them in all the chaos and make them think I've eaten some.
Weighed myself this morning for the first time in about 3 days I believe...and I've lost 3.2 pounds! And it would be even more if I hadn't gone and eaten that extra 800 calories last night. Seeing results like this is what really gets me going---NO MORE RELAPSES. My plan is actually working, so I can't do any more binges.
I can already see a visible difference in my body, even from 3 or 4 measly pounds---my waist is getting closer to the size it used to be, and my arms have gotten a little skinnier. It seems like my upper body always loses the weight first, then the midsection, and then finally the ass/leg area. It sucks, because that's my biggest problem area, and of course that's the area that sees results last. RAWR. I guess it's just more motivation to keep losing, till I'm back to having that "perfect body" that everyone always told me I had, to having that "perfect ass", to losing the stupid fat that has formed over my once-sharp jawline and has blurred my once-defined cheekbones. Bleh. Gaining weight on my face has even made my eyes look smaller; what the hell is that about?!
I can't WAIT until I the favorite parts of myself return:
1) Thin, delicate-looking wrists
2) A defined jawline that makes my neck look long and graceful---I got SO many compliments on that!
3) That part of my ribcage just above my boobs that sticks out when I'm skinny
4) Thin, long, graceful-looking fingers
5) Cheekbones that balance my face and give it definition
6) Larger-looking eyes, smaller-looking nose; I swear, when I lose weight on my face my nose somehow looks smaller, and my eyes look bigger! WTF?! Basically, fat is the devil. Ugh.
7) Seeing subtle rib bones when I bend to pick something up
Ok, enough of that---I've just reminded myself of stuff that I once had, so that's making me want it even more badly, and that's a good thing. Now I've just got to remember those things that I once loved and remember that if I saty the course, I CAN HAVE THEM BACK. Aghhhhhh...oh, to be beautiful again....nothing would make me happier...except for if I got into NYU, whose application is due at midnight tomorrow and demands that I write 6 essays. WHAT THE HELL. Essay overkill? Yes. Ugh. I don't even know if I'll be able to finish them all, but I hope I can...going to New York would be amazing. A M A Z I N G.
OK, so I decided not to do a water fast. I weighed the marginal costs and benefits...(haha sorry, econ joke...) and I realized that number one, a water fst would fuck my metabolism up, and number two, the coffee I had today was making me feel weak and shaky, so food was necessary in order to preven tme from passing out. Whatevz though, I'm just gonna go 300 cals or under for the next week, or for as long as I can keep it up.
Coffee w/skim milk -- 40 cals
Protien water -- 50 cals
Steamed vegetable medley -- 200
TOTAL: 290 cals
No more being a fatass! No more 148 fucking pounds!!!! Agghhhhh I'm SO tired of it. I'm gonna change, I swear it. I feel a new change coming on, a real one this time. I hope I'm not deluding myself, although I don't know for sure...I've been deluding myself quite a bit lately...for example, once in a while underestimating the enormous circumference of my thighs, which won't even fit into any of my jeans anymore. WTF. I bought a pair of skinny jeans today that would've fit me when I was at my normal weight, and I would've looked damn good in them too. Didn't talk to Josh today, solely based on the fact that I looked fat and gross. I miss the days when I had self confidence. I miss the times when I felt like I had control over the world, When I was on top of the world, when I had the reins. Now I feel like I'm on a fucking mechanical bull, losing my strength and my will and my sense of self; Losing my grip and about to be bucked off, left to float along through outer space until my fat ass gets sucked into a black hole, unless it plugs up the black hole first with its sheer enormity and disgusting wideness. BAJKBSIUSGBIUAGIU. Even Robert Plant's heavenly voice can't make me feel much better at the moment; Only I can make myself feel better. I have to change.
OK, thus far I've had....
low carb frozen yogurt -- 100 cals
one bite of a burrito -- 70 cals
bread -- 70 cals
chicken broth -- 20 cals
TOTAL= 260 cals
I'm done for today! Not too bad. I'll go on a walk to burn off that extra 60
Eeeekk....last night I totally went all out....ate a lot....probably like...2000 cals in total but mostly late last night. I can't even believe it. All my work for the past few days was just ruined. Oh well though, I'm starting again.
Missed school today, so maybe I'll go on a run.
For the past few days I felt like I was so in control of my willpower!!! Damnit. I would've been fine yesterday, had I not run out of chicken broth, which keeps me full and takes away my appetite completely, making me feel like i'm not starving myself even though I am. It all started really late last night when I went and ate a few almonds because I was stressed about my college apps that were due at midnight. In my stressed-out state I just ended up wanting more, and went all out, eating WAY more than just almonds, although I did have a lot of them too...ugh. Whatevz, I'm gonna keep going and get back on track.
I'm going to be very strict for the next two days to help make up for my consumption last night...both days I will not allow myself more than 200 calories. I hope I can stick to it....I don't have long til the winter formal!!!
Haven't weighed myself yet, but I've been going strong on my diet. I'm proud of myself. :)
Today I ate a little more than I had meant to, but I think tht it's ok since I did an intense dance workout today, which i almost didn't get through due to my exhaustion from not eating much for the past few days. I figure it burned at least 100 calories, so that makes up for the extra food I guess.
orange -- 40 calories
coffee cake (one bite) -- 25
coffee w/skim milk -- 40
Salad w/dressing -- 295
bread -- 150
chicken -- 100
theoretically equals 550 cals
Not so bad, i guess. Could've been way worse.
Even MORE motivation: Winter formal's coming up, and I have to find a date and look hot!!! Sheeeeiiiiit. I'd better get on that. I think I have like 2 weeks to get in shape for that...by then, if I keep up with my diet, I hypothesize that I will be down to at least 140. That's way better than nothing.
Ugh... college apps are so stressful, due tomorrow....but I'm trying to destress. Hopefully i won't fail in my diet mission by stress-binging. Got ma nails did, dark blue. Like the color of my soul. ;)
But yeah, still going strong on the diet, although it's pathetic to say that since it's only day 2, and it shouldn't even be too hard yet. We'll see. I've gotta impress those boys, you know. And fit into my old clothes. That's some good motivation...and plus i'm gonna be competing to be Miss California in April. Yeah, it is a long time from now, but i'd still like to get fit as soon as possible. That competition is going to give me some serious motivation, I'm hoping, especially because I can win 10,000 dollars in scholarship money. Sounds good to me. Stil though, i took in a lil too much today... but oh well.
Minute Maid Light Lemonade -- 30 cals
chicken broth -- 20 cals
chicken -- 200 cals
corn -- 150 cals
carrots -- 130 cals
Woooooo I've been SO good today. Officially one pound lost, although I'm sure that it wasn't actually all fat haha....still though, it's a start.
Coffee w/skim milk --40 cals
frozen yogurt -- 100 cals
chicken broth-- 20
TOTAL: 160 calories
I hope my willpower lasts.
Fuckkkkkk I totally broke it. After like....2 days. So lame. Where has my willpower gone? I actually did well at first. I'm starting again though. DAMNNNNNN...last night i got high and ate stuff accidentally. A lot of it was fruit though, so not tooooo bad. Unfortunately i got ahold of a box of wheat thins too though...:(. Anyways, I'm starting over again. Still at the same weight. Damnit. School is tomorrow, and I am totally not ready to go back yet...not physically, not mentally. Fuck. At least I sorta have a new boy now, so I have more motivation not to screw my diet. Seriously, there is NOTHING like the "Oh God I have to get skinny for my potential boyfriend" diet. Not doing too badly today dietwise. Here's what I've had thus far:
Chicken broth-- 20 calories
I have to go out to dinner for my dad's birthday, which is bad because i totally don't want to surpass 300 cals today. This may be difficult, especially after dinner when they ask me why I ate virtually no dinner and why I don't want any cake. Whatevzzzz. I'll figure something out...they shouln't suspect anything yet, since I'm still at the highest weight I've ever been.
Ahhhhh I would do anything to weigh 120 right now.
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