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Thursday, November 19th, 2009
x0xcherryberry
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10:11a
i feel amazing.
yesterday i hated the world. i went to work in the morning and then i was going to buy some shoes but i was really depressed and just wanted to go home, dance around maybe and do nothing. what i ended up doing was showering - crying and crying and crying in the shower - and then i got out and got dressed really pretty in a yellow and green sundress that anwar got me. then i was going to overdose on lexapro. i found out later that that probably wouldn't have killed me, but i did decide to take one of them. i felt fantastic the rest of the night, just very very drowsy. i slept over richards last night, but nothing happened between us.
for such a long time i was looking to feel something, but now that i've given up on that feeling it's like i've become, well - what pink floyd said - comfortably numb. it's okay and it's almost better than feeling. and i feel so great today.
so alone and so fantastic.
i went back to kristen, my old therapist, last night. she is amazing and i love her.
i'm going to stop drinking. i had a problem. i shouldn't do it anymore.
current mood:  giddy
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(comment on this) Saturday, November 14th, 2009
x0xcherryberry
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1:00a
is it sad how badly i want to die?
i feel like i'm always being taken advantage of;
i'm always making the bad decisions;
i'm always doing what i don't want to do because i'm scared
and just want to make other people happy,
even though i know that's always the wrong thing to do.
i'm scared because i'm alone,
and i'm broke.
maybe i should just get back together with...
well, i'm pathetic.
i make latenight phone calls
for sex,
because i'm an addict
and an alcoholic.
current mood:  morose
current music: it's cool, we can just be friends [bRIGHT EYES]
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(comment on this) Thursday, November 12th, 2009
x0xcherryberry
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4:09p
i'm really good at doing shit by myself.
i truly have a skill when it comes to planning things and getting things done.
but i'm ridiculously hopeless when it comes to getting other people to commit to things, relying on other people to follow through with their commitments, and trusting things to get done if im not in charge of everything.
it's hard for me to lead people in my hunger& homelessness campaign.
i always expect to be disappointed.
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(comment on this)
x0xcherryberry
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10:39a
i'm at work,
and it's weird - there's nothing for me to do.
i'm sitting here, and i have no homework.
i don't really want to read my newspaper; i'm too tired.
chas and i got to sleep at like 5am and i had to be up at 7:30 for work.
i didn't want to get up.
i didn't even shower.
i'm such a waste.
i wish i could go back to school.
nextquarternextquarternextquarter.
definitely.
i won't let ucla keep me outtt,
whether i have to do only one quarter every year or WHATEVER.
at least i took summer classes.
hah i'll probably graduate right on time.
how funny.
blahh - am i getting too excited because it's a new guy in my life and i just like having new guys?
or is there a legitimate connection between me and chas?
i guess i'll just have to figure it out.
it's terrible, though, because i feel like i'm back in high school -
afraid to tell a boy that i'm dating another boy
because i don't want to hurt his feelings.
well, what do i care?
and how do i always find myself in these situations?
i'm such a bitch,
such a dirty whore.
current music: waiting all my life [rascal flatts]
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x0xcherryberry
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9:50a
he's a gentleman.
he opens doors for me and he bought me breakfast this morning.
his name is chas.
he has blonde hair and blue eyes.
in some ways, he reminds me of mike, but he's older and more independent.
he likes to play the guitar. he wants to have a music career.
he's practical, too. he believes in having balance.
he used to canvass for us but quit recently (which is good because i wouldn't have been able to date him if he had kept working for us).
he likes scrabble.
the hell do i care?
i thought i didn't want a relationship.
i don't know; it probably won't last.
i'll be over it quickly; i always am.
i like him, though, right now and i'd like it to last.
but i know how i am -- at a certain point i decide i want to fall in love
and so i say it and then the feeling goes away.
well, it's not like we're in a serious relationship anyway.
we've talked about it.
well, we talked about it before either of us knew the other was interested,
and both of us said that we weren't looking for a relationship --
not at this age;
it's a time for self-exploration.
but, hey,
this might turn into something.
who knows?
joe dwyer, glad that didn't work out.
he was young. cheap. so not for me.
blah i am so boycrazy.
it's all i think about; how pathetic.
current music: make a plan to love me [brighteyes]
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