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**noo soo heres the deal [05 Jul 2008|03:08pm] percyluv [ mood | happy ] Apparantly matt and his vegetarian did break up, for like an hour or w/e, his gf drove all the way up from pennsylvania to make him change his mind, well im not sure exactly who broke up with who, but if she drove up to see him, im sure it was him having the doubts. So yesterday was the 4th of July. I hung out with Dani, Scott, Ant, Dan, Dave and some other peoples. Dani was a lil depressed about the whole Matt thing, but im trying to keep her busy. I think its best if she doesnt see him, but she doesnt want to do that :\ . We played poker, blackjack, baseball, and ate cuz it was a bbq. Then later that night we went to see the fireworks at the oval, which were cut short cuz of the rain and we suspected someone got hurt. Then we went to applebees and then home. It was a fun day. Oh i got my period yesterday and i even had a frigen pad on, and it went through a little, Thankfully no one noticed, otherwise I would have been so embarassed. So I went home real fast and got changed, no one noticed, I just said I went to visit my neighbors, which I did because my parents were over there for a bbq. Today is my grandma's bbq at her home. Fun stuff :( I don't want to go at all, blah, oh well. I can't wait to see Ant for some reason :) !@`

[03 Jul 2008|10:20am] forgivemyscars You never tell the last of a dying breed, "I told you so". !@`

[03 Jul 2008|10:20am] forgivemyscars You never tell the last of a dying breed, "I told you so". !@`

whoa whoa whoa whoa [03 Jul 2008|08:40am] percyluv My dad must have heard wrong, cuz they are def still together...hes such a dork, and matts making a mistake !@`

omg so tired** [03 Jul 2008|08:32am] percyluv [ mood | Happy, yet tired ] [ music | Shake it, Metro Station ] I went to sleep at like 1:30, i was trying to upload my video onto youtube, which i was able to do, but i think i can get a better quality, so im gonna try that later. Grrr i want to sleep :( I auditioned yesterday. It went good. They asked me to sing bippidiboppidyboo and Tale as old as time. I told them i would come up for the performances on the 15th and 16th, even though i go down to Cape May on the 10th. OMG, my mom just told me Matt broke up with Mindy. Wtf, i was with Danielle all last night and she just totally didnt mention that. Maybe she forgot or she didn't want to say it in front of Steve. Hmmm, she must be pretty excited ;). No surprise tho, Mindy seems a little airish. And Danielle has 3 years more on Matt, i think they should get back together. :) :) :) Off to workkkkkkkkkkkkkkk :( :( :( !@`

grr*** [02 Jul 2008|08:39am] percyluv [ mood | sleepy ] Karen is off the next 2 days, so yay i get to work with megan :\ ...Ant hung out we me yesterday, we watched I am Legend, it was good, everyone said the ending would shock you, i kinda liked it, i thought it was okay, and it didnt really shock me. I might do the auditions tonite for the play, well im gonna atleast go and check it out anyway. !@`

***macadacalaccken :\ [01 Jul 2008|08:35am] percyluv [ mood | tired ] Umm lol, I was editing my film me and Danielle made, its coming pretty awesum ;) .... Tonight is auditions for Ricky's new play, but i wont be able to do one of the performances on one of the weeks, so not sure if i should even audition, im gonna go and see what he says tho. I woke up this morning at 5:20, the 5 looked like a 9 to me, and i was like fuck i overslept, then i looked closer and i was like oh thank god, but then i had trouble falling back to sleep, so im deaddddddddddd tireddddddddd :( ..dont want to go to work :( :( :( !@`

library sux :( *** [30 Jun 2008|08:45am] percyluv [ mood | hoping for work to end fast ] Off to work again, im gonna have to write everything that happened with my job so far, bah. I really dont want to see Megan, hopefully shes off today or sumthin, please let her be off. After work im gonna go help my dad with my grandma, he wants me too, so i said ill help. My grandma is a mess, she like refuses to use the crutcher and she falls down all the time. Last time she fell down she broke her hip, so ouchiez, but she still wont use the crutcher lol. !@`

The start of something new... [30 Jun 2008|02:22am] squirliebanana I start overnight again tomorrow night. ALways have loved overnights but now it's even better. I am working only 4 days a week. Isn't that fan-fucking-tastic? I think so. I am so in love. Soo afraid of this. I do not want to get hurt. I do not want to get hurt (yes, twice. Once telling you, once telling me) So happy for the fist time in a long time. Like, when he looked over to me out of the blue and said, you know what? I love you. No reason, no rhymes, no bullshit. No drama. -sigh- Can things get any better than this? I don't think so. I love him. That's all for now. 1 !@`

**eh [29 Jun 2008|04:19pm] percyluv [ mood | just sick of all the fighting ] my parents were fighting again all day. It makes me feel so sad. I didn't tell Ant or anyone tho, he was out with his friends and theres nuttin he can do. I think im gonna get my own apartment or something, maybe in jersey city so i'll be closer to school. That would be pretty cool. !@`

hangover :\ a lil... [29 Jun 2008|11:55am] percyluv [ mood | sore ] So my body feels pretty sore from last night, not so much a headache tho which is good. Scott said they arent playing baseball, no surprise there, so im sure Ant is gonna do something else with them. Last night before i went to sleep, I remembered something that happened, i had forgotten about it. I remembered once when Ant went to go play poker with them and i didnt really want to go, but he was there already. And he was like well i dont want to play if your not here, and hes like im leaving. I kept telling him not to leave lol, but he wouldnt listen to me. So we met up i think at like Taco Bell. I really didnt feel like going out that night, but i did for him. Maybe I've just become so used to hanging out with him pratically everyday, that that is why im having a hard time getting over it. Cuz i know when we first started it wasnt like that. In fact he got mad at me once cuz all i wanted to do was play poker all day on a saturday. But now that i'm used to just seeing him, he wants to go see his friends. So my point is, i think i just got so accustomed to it. If he hangs out with his friends today i guess i'll just go to danis and chill and watch the movie. I'm kinda bored right now. I dont feel like playing xbox or the sims. Dani said the day of Gina's party that she got bored with the sims after 10 minutes of playing so she didnt go, cuz she knew it was gonna be a bad day. Lol maybe today is a bad day for me. I hope Ant invites me to hang out, cuz i kinda want to be with him, but i dont want to tell him that cuz i dont want him to feel like he has to invite me. Asdklfjsllalksjksk, umm i felt bad for dani. Her ex assboyfriend Matt told her he was gonna come to the party yesterday. She even asked him like a couple days or a week before and he was like yup ill be there. Saturday rolls around, and all of sudden his new girlfriend is back in town, so im sure you can guess who he chose to see. She didn't seem upset, but thats danielle. She hides things, and i know she was. Hell i was upset lol. Ant says he doesnt like when i get mad and pout. I guess i do that alot, like if im mad or sad my face shows it. I think i only do it cuz i want someone to be like, whats wrong?. Ant would rather ignore me when i do that, not cuz he doesnt care, i just think all guys are like that, like they dont know wut to do , so they do nothing lol. I told him ill try not to do that anymore. But sometimes i cant help it, like if its just one of those days. My mom went to tap class, she seems happier. Last week when she went, my dad didnt even ask how it went. And she was upset the rest of the day. I feel bad for her sometimes, cuz i can understand how she feels. She just wants someone to love her and be considerate for her, just like she is for everyone else. I don't think i'm much of a help either. I mean i knew enough to ask her how the class went, unlike my stupid dad. But i dont really help much around the house. I've gotten better tho, like i cleaned my whole room by myself when Anna came. And during holidays i try to help cook. But to be honest i think i only ever started doing this when i started dating Ant. I kinda wanted to become more domestic. I duno i guess i thought he wouldnt like me if he thought i was lazy and played poker all day lol. I'm glad i changed though. I'm alot happier then i was a year ago. !@`

fun*** [29 Jun 2008|12:22am] percyluv [ mood | pensive ] So i went to henry's grad party, was pretty cool, dani kept makin me cosmos and margaritas and other yummy stuff, i was pretty much drunk for most of the party. At the end of the night i was sober tho. I got Ant to go swimming, i think he know he liked. Erin was pretty cool, we had that one little thing where i told her to stop singing on New Years Eve, but she was cool, we got along fine. And Cory is pretty cool too. For half the party tho i swam with Hayley and her friend Alyssa, they are frign funny lol. Tomorrow im gonna go play baseball with Ant Scott and others, i told ant that if they do anything else ill hang with dani. Me and dani were gonna watch the movie Definently Maybe and just chill. Im trying to let Ant know he can hang with his friends. I mean some times i wish he would rather want to hang with me, but I think its better if he goes out, cuz then he'll miss me and want to come see me. My mom always says, absense makes the heart grow fonder. Gonna go play some Rainbow on xbox, booya ;) !@`

so cute*** [28 Jun 2008|12:17am] percyluv [ mood | happy ] [ music | Last Name : Carrie Underwood ] So after i made jello shots with dani, and danced to soulja boy and hairspray, i went home and called ant. He was playin poker with the guys, and i told him wut time party was and said bye. And he texts me i love you. I was like awww, i love you too, just didnt want to say it in front of your buddies, and hes like i know ;) ....i duno that made my day :D :D :D !@`

hotspots [27 Jun 2008|10:32pm] x_too_kute_x [ mood | cheerful ] heyyyyy ok soooo ive bee nthe biggest bum all damn dayyy. just lied in bed & watched movies, literally alllllllll day!! i just finished getting dressed to go out <3:] im sooooooooooooooo freaking thirsty and we have liek no water here at home!!! wth!! im parched! hahaha jk...no seriously tho its annoying me!! anyways so im going out with the girls to hotspots, we were gonna go to the club but naaa i dont feel like hearing banging techno all damn night, plus i just got $20 & i need to make it last till i get the job with karla! LOL...soo ya i dont think ima drink tonight, im not planing to anyway! LOL ;] anyways ima go finish my makeup. byeee! :D !@`

***a lil better [27 Jun 2008|08:01pm] percyluv [ mood | stressed ] Me and Ant hung out, and i started crying. I told him exactly how i felt and that it felt like he changed. He even admitted he felt like he changed. And we went back to his house and discussed everything that ever annoyed us or made us angry. And it was good, i felt relieved, i hope he did too. I felt the best i had in a few days. So we are both gonna try and just be considerate of each other, i think we both just got caught up in our own emotions we forgot about the other. I told him i dont mind if you want to hang out with your friends, but id like to know if your going to. So he said that was fine. And I want to have a date night at least once a week, which was Megans idea, after she told me to give him space :\ ...Ant even said thats the last time i tell scott anything, cuz scott tells the whole world other peoples problems. Yea and then we had sex lol. It was really good, its the first time it didnt hurt at all. I guess we had sex only like 3 or 4 times before, some not so successful as the others, but i was just like amazed cuz it didnt hurt anymore. It feels different tho, not a bad different, but different. I'm waiting for danielle to call me, we are gonna make jello shots, my parents are screaming at the top of their lungs for about a half hour now, and i cant take it. I feel sick to my stomach again. No wonder i have so much stress in my life. Calming down and not letting things bother me is not my strong point. I just wish the fighting would stop. !@`

fuck* [27 Jun 2008|02:07pm] percyluv [ mood | nauseated ] So scott tells everyone everything, he told dan about our fight, and he told megan that ant needs some space. So megan made me go to lunch with her, and she grilled me for like about a half hour about how i need to give him some space and get my own friends. She kept banging her hand on the table, i swear i wanted to smack her, and scott needs to shut his mouth for once in his life. I was talking on the phone with ant, and he asked if i wanted to do something, and he says he has nothing else to do. I said i dont want you to hang out just for the hell of it or because you have nothing else better to do, hes like i didnt mean it like that. But then y say that, i get the feeling im just gonna get blown off alot. I just wish i never ever dated at all, it would be so much easier. !@`

ooo...*** [27 Jun 2008|09:33am] percyluv I weighed myself and i lost 6 lbs, soo yea, im gonna stick to this diet. !@`

"thank you" doesnt even come CLOSE [27 Jun 2008|12:58am] x_too_kute_x [ mood | grateful ] whoa ok i need to maybe write in this thing again? :] things are gooooooood. wayyyyyyyyyyyy better than almost a month ago! wow its crazyyy like i was thinking last night in the shower [thats where ido most of my praying & thinking] & its wierd cause i pray like expecting it to happen like OVERNIGHT u know & it didnt but it did! like little by little everything just feel into place. like its crazy how much ahppier i am, ihow much less stressed i am how much more i laugh & im just succccch a better person, not to jock myslef cause theres always room for improvement but like wow u kno. its crazy cause time flies obviously so its like it did happen overnite but technically it didnt u kno. im just soooooooooooo thankful i culd cry, for how far ive come with Gods help, like its amazing. you kno i go to sleep whenever i want to go to sleep now, which is always around 2 or3 LOl out of habit i guess, i like have decided to start a prayer journal & just record & see like how he answers and its like AMAZING cause he does! like i knew he would but i just never put it into practice & now that i have im like WOW Hes sooooooooooooooooooooo faithful. im soo much more mature, calm, relaxed, happy, carefree, stronger, full of sleep, rested, patient, slow to anger, trusting like just EVERYTHIGN ive asked for, i am & ive gotten. Hes gotten me through a really rough time & it feels like just ystrdy i was dealing with my anxiety & post traumatic stress, butttt its been what 3 months?! wowwww. & everyday i just feel more and more relieved & like i dont ever think bout my past or anything that came with it, this july 2 will be 6 months im clean & i dont evvvvver think bout that anymore at all, like rarelyyyy! and im sooo happy for it, its weird cause i for a long time couldnt forgive myself for my past, and im tlaking my WHOLE past & i just finally one day realized i mean i KNOWHE forgave me already cause i aksed, so now its my turn to let it go & forgive myself & i have and im sooo much better now. ya liek sometimes situations will happen thruought the days in the wks & im like UGH GOD WHY! but then i just think like OK JUST LET IT GO & LET GOD & its gotten soooooooooo incredibly easy for me to let it go, like i let go of mine & freddys realtionship which is somethign i like NEVER EVER EVER did, i wanted to control it as much as possible to make sure things went my way but honestly now i pray all the time ITS ALL URS, and it doesnt even bother me oneee bit! not att allllllll! its crazy cus before the few few times i ever prayed that i literally would take it back within a sec cus it would physically hurt me! LOL...and ive given him my life which is really hard to do, cause i mean face it we all wanna be in control of our own destin and i do think we are by the choices we make & we have free will but sometimes Gods trying really hard to point us in the right diretcion & we just dont wanna look or we dont go for selfish reason & ive just given al lthat up already, dont ge me wrong itll be hard if he wants me to give up certain things but ill do it, no matter what now, cause i know he'll never let me fall. hes broughten me this far and hes been there evvvery step of the way, not once have i felt like hes abdonded me or do i feel alone, ya physically i have sometimes but for some reason even if its in the smallest amount i always have a ceratin peace within in me like i know Hes there...its amazing honestly im so thankful for the person ive become and everything God has given to me. im no longer, or at least i try 100% of time not to be also, selfish immature, impatient, rude, bossy, insecure, stubborn, prideful, you know just all the things that really hurt realtionships and break them or tear them a part, not only with a bf but with family or friends. and im really happy at this point in my life. i fell SO free from my anxiety & the symptoms that came with it & ive aksed everyday for healing since it started & u know what it came, slowly& fast all at the same time but it came. so anways im excited to see what else i can do with Gods help. i was really scared & nervous about going bak to school, i put it in my head, as well as the devil, cause he likes to do stuff like that, that u kno im not smart anymore i cant focus, and i was really nervous going back to school but na im like actually doing EXCELLENT. if i dont have a flat 90 i have a really high B & i havent missed one day! i thought MAN AM I GONNA SLEEP AM I GONNA WAKEU P OMGOSH!! ETC...no worries im asleep and awake everyday i need to be & im on time & i do my work & im so grateful for all that, i left it all in Gods hands & it came out perfect, cause He dont make mistakes. sooo now that im done venting. today i went to sonic with the family, all my aunts everyone, LMAO sooo fun!!! we had a blast played vball! i ate wayyy too much all damn day, not too pleased but i burned off most of it! LOL :] it was fun, and now im here at home with toby! LOL...im gonna take a long hot shower & then lie down hit the sack! :] goodnight. 3 postive things that happened today: 1. i spent time with my family 2. i laughed my butt off all day with the funny movie & then at sonic 3. i got an 87 on my exam!! :D !@`

*** um [26 Jun 2008|10:03pm] percyluv So me and ant were supose to go bowling, but then hes like john is playing poker, so i was like fine. I was ready at like 9 pm waiting till 10, ant slept thru, if i didnt call him he wouldnt have woken up, so he didnt want to go. I'm not mad, it jus sux cuz i got all dressed up, i even did my hair differently, well so much for that. !@`

bah [26 Jun 2008|07:51pm] percyluv [ mood | drained ] [ music | What hurts the most , Rascal Flatts ] So it just occurred to me while i was in the shower, what happens when i get old and ugly. Ant told me he'd love me either way, but like if he wanted a break from such a stupid fight, wut if he'll want to break up wen im like just disgusting. :( My poor grandma, i never want to get that old, it scares me, and i never want to be like my mom either, all she does is fight with my dad, my dad puts up with it, but if i ever turned into my mom, ant would totally leave me. What if i do turn into her, who the fuck would want me. I'm to scared to mess up, wtf is wrong with me. I should have become a nun, they all seem so happy, i wonder if they really are. Im not even sure if i believe in God, i mean i do, its just i duno, i stopped going to church awhile ago because the idea of God is a nice belief but it seems so unreal. I will choose to believe in him though. Me and my mom were watchin Crossing over with john edwards on sunday. I told her if she ever dies, im gonna ask him to speak to her, and all i want is a yes or a no answer, to find out if God truly exists. Maybe ghosts can't talk about heaven, like they are sworn to secrecy. I do believe in ghosts and an afterlife. It's weird, Ant seems to completely forgotten our fight, he acts like nothing happened. I dunno, i still just feel hurt, sometimes i feel like a piece of my heart is gone. Its stupid, but maybe there are some things you just cant forgive and forget. Most guys move on easily. I read this book that depicts what your feeling and your personality based on your handwriting. It said if you bring a ling under your name going towards the left, that means you live in the past. I never thought of it like that, but maybe i do, maybe i dwell on things to much. Its funny cuz i only ever right in this journal mostly when im upset, or like really really happy. That book also said if you put a curvy line over your t's then your a true romantic...which i am. I told Ant i didnt really want to go with his friends to dinner on friday. It's just i feel so depressed sometimes, i dont think i can fake nice. I mean, i want to go, i would love to go any other time, but 2 days after our fight i still just feel hopeless. !@`

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