let go.'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
let go.

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The Kiss [03 Oct 2004|12:33am]

deepblue
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Wonderland (The John Holmes Story) ]

I have visions running through my head of inviting you to my house after work one day, perhaps to watch a movie & enjoy some dinner. We sit side by side on the couch, thighs not quite touching. I can feel the heat rising from your body, aware that shifting slightly to the side would bring about our first real physical contact. The tension runs high and I know sooner or later one of us will make a move.

I lean to the right ever so slightly and extend my hand to let it rest on your knee. Your hand covers mine, warm and gentle. My pulse begins to race and all I want is to turn my head and kiss you. I pull you close to me and press my lips softly against yours, tasting you, testing the waters. My tongue flickers over your partially open lips, gently probing as you respond. I run my fingers along your cheek and down the back of your neck as the kiss, so hesitant at first, deepens.

I can feel your hands on my back, pressing me to you. Your mouth moves from mine to slide hotly to the hollow of my neck. I sigh and tilt my head back, my hand on the back of your head, my fingers laced through your hair. My body responds to your touch, to your hot mouth and flickering tongue.

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aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [26 Sep 2004|10:49am]

blackjev
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | you oughta know - alanis morisette ]

hey, long time no write.... i have lots of non-sense for my last entries... well basically they are my term paper for my west civ. and english subjects... i posted them as a back-up if my diskette failed me.... anyways, updates???? my life is as boring as hell..... lots and lots of fucking schoolworks and two of the reports for my physics and polgeo subjects are finish and I have to past a couple of more papers. and as long as i'm talknig about my schoolworks, you'll get bored reading my entries.... change subject.... i love this local band called 'sponge cola'... hands down to the vocalist who capture every inch of emotion whenever he sings.... i'm just a sucker for vocalist and guitarist! but i love their music....... i still don't know what am i going to do with my life.... my future is blurry.... yeah right I'm going to an exclusive school, have good grades and all that... but what's the use?????? i need to find my other half in life.... my rocks.... my soulmate...... i think i'll a happy human if i found my soulmate already.... damn...... a "former-friend" has called AGAIN.... i dont know if he's going to reconcile AGAIN or he'll scream awful words in my ear..... nah, i've already forgiven him but i'm not going to take him back as a friend... am i peaceful??? yep... but its getting boring.... i wrote a couple of poetries to add up for my scrap book.. i still haven't finish this song called "acid" because i can't get the right tune and the chords.... my guitar skills are still on the beginner's level and i write my songs with messed up chords... as long as i get it right when i sing it, then i don't about the chords.....

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Crushed. [10 Sep 2004|07:47pm]

icequeen5263
[ mood | I thought I had forgotten. ]
[ music | The No Seatbelt Song. ]

Sometimes it feels like I don't exist.
No one can see me
No one hears me
No one feels me
...and if for a milli-second
someone gets a pitiful glimpse
but they look right past me
maybe whisper under their breath
"who cares?"
Well I'm sorrowful and sad
and it feels like I'm last on your list
of endless reguards
With no one to talk to
not a soul to understand
and so much to share
I lock it away
hide it from the world
fake a smile
and carry on, as if tomorrow things will change.
They change for some people
who never could find happiness in me
I'm just a little step stone i a world full of
beautiful mountains
use me to climb up
reach for the sky
but when i don't ask for more detail
don't wonder why.

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suicide [17 Aug 2004|06:37pm]

blackjev
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | something from Keane ]

Am i suicidal? I guess so but it doesn't show... many think i don't have a fuckin' problem of my own... sometimes i just want to meet death at the end of this road just to see how people who will come to my burial... who are those people who really appreciate me... because NO ONE DOES... but i can't imagine feeling the pain on my own body but still I hope Pain can be Bliss, so that everyone could engage in pain enthusiastically and all of us can die a happy human being...... i'm still tracking this path of my life where i'm finding and searching for this fuckin person to come... I've rejected some people whom I don't want to be part of my life because they've hurt me so much, I couldn't swallow so much pain in my mouth if i make up with them... if i treated them like shit, do they know that they're kicking me and covering with sand just to cover up the shit's smell.... got what i mean? am i true or am i fake? I'AM A FUCKING FAKE because i never say my freakin' problem... anyway who would want to listen to a shit like me??? HERE I'AM POURING MY HEART ON TO THESE ROOFTOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -jevay

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suicide... [16 Aug 2004|08:23am]

blackjev
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | punkrockprincess -something corporate ]

Am i suicidal? I guess so but it doesn't show... many think i don't have a fuckin' problem of my own... sometimes i just want to meet death at the end of this road just to see how people who will come to my burial... who are those people who really appreciate me... because NO ONE DOES... but i can't imagine feeling the pain on my own body but still I hope Pain can be Bliss, so that everyone could engage in pain enthusiastically and all of us can die a happy human being...... i'm still tracking this path of my life where i'm finding and searching for this fuckin person to come... I've rejected some people whom I don't want to be part of my life because they've hurt me so much, I couldn't swallow so much pain in my mouth if i make up with them... if i treated them like shit, do they know that they're kicking me and covering with sand just to cover up the shit's smell.... got what i mean? am i true or am i fake? I'AM A FUCKING FAKE because i never say my freakin' problem... anyway who would want to listen to a shit like me??? HERE I'AM POURING MY HEART ON TO THESE ROOFTOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -jevay

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suicide... [16 Aug 2004|08:22am]

blackjev
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | punkrockprincess -something corporate ]

Am i suicidal? I guess so but it doesn't show... many think i don't have a fuckin' problem of my own... sometimes i just want to meet death at the end of this road just to see how people who will come to my burial... who are those people who really appreciate me... because NO ONE DOES... but i can't imagine feeling the pain on my own body but still I hope Pain can be Bliss, so that everyone could engage in pain enthusiastically and all of us can die a happy human being...... i'm still tracking this path of my life where i'm finding and searching for this fuckin person to come... I've rejected some people whom I don't want to be part of my life because they've hurt me so much, I couldn't swallow so much pain in my mouth if i make up with them... if i treated them like shit, do they know that they're kicking me and covering with sand just to cover up the shit's smell.... got what i mean? am i true or am i fake? I'AM A FUCKING FAKE because i never say my freakin' problem... anyway who would want to listen to a shit like me??? HERE I'AM POURING MY HEART ON TO THESE ROOFTOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -jevay

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the hole in your belly [10 Aug 2004|05:17pm]

m0an_
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | death cab ran me over, i listen to them and clean my cuts ]

break it as you breathe
i'm sick of punkshoeasian

call me and i'll read it to you



i’m suckin’ hot tea out of a brown mug
that probably has a fantastic history
it was a graduation present from
my 7th-12th grade art teacher
who decided she liked me
when i showed her what
i thought gonorrhea must feel like
when it’s picked on by AIDS
the assignment was disease
gonorrhea was real
not just another government conspiracy
paper towel tube copper wire black acrylic hot glue
phallic towel tube replete with brick red
patches of pubic hair copper wire
held together shaped wrought fashioned
formed created detained twisted
produced by hot glue covered in
black acrylic paint
aged and weathered by
air and shitty paintbrushes that raped
pierced wounded gang banged cracked
bashed clobbered stabbed into the
defensive drying shell the self-sacrificing
paint had formed around its
softer healthier brethren

dying paintbrushes let loose their
worn out bristles and left them fixed
in the jet black sauce of acrylic
who lay open and violated
until i found her
three months later she
realized she was pregnant and
decided she couldn’t bare the
changes in the consistency of her constancy
she wasn’t about to spit out a
sloppy dying stranger
she wasn’t about to give life
to yet another disease




and for the record
my tea's all gone
and i'm still depressed

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She Was a Good Fuck. [02 Aug 2004|04:08pm]

wikkid_split
[ music | Beck - Lonesome Tears ]

Sunday is my wreck day. This sunday sun.

Bodies afloat.
In harmony over the slippery rain.
Told a friend to take the back road home.
There's no room for his castles.
No way out.
Sound and peaceful on the slippery floor.
I took a step and caused the feet to splinter beneath me.
Pausing only a second with time on my mind.
I grasped nothing else but the hands of hardened things.
Pin me to the ground.
Take me into your arms.
Let the cold take my mind.
Make me invisible. Make me alone.
The light has blinded me.
I only see the dark.


Light hides darkness. Doesn't make it go away.
We must learn to adjust and see in the dark.

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[28 Jul 2004|11:42pm]

princess_fuck
today i was walking to the bank when i heard a car horn. i shelved it off neatly to the side in my mind, as car horns are regular staples in any city/town/molecular vessel. i kept walking, and i heard it again. this time i looked in the direction it was coming from, the parking lot i was walking next to. ..an older man was sitting in his car, looking at me. he waved when i glanced. i shuddered and continued on with the half-assed pilgrimmage.
..on the way home someone honked at me again...this time it was because i was jaywalking. hot, exhausted, i did the only thing i could think of: i flipped off the red, yelling face.
it goes on.
1 | comment

[27 Jul 2004|05:08am]

princess_fuck
well, i dunno.
do you need something elaborate...? is it a prerequisite? some kind of crude admissions fee?
it's raining, and the sprinklers came out.
...a bona fide waste of resources, if you ask me.
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the lost soul [26 Jul 2004|09:45am]

blackjev
[ mood | artistic ]
[ music | ocean avenue - yellow card ]

i'm walking alone
alone in this dark road
confusion all around me
seeking happiness alone
confuse of what's my truth
waiting for the soul to come
wash away my doubts
i want to be happy
don't know when
but as long as my soulmate arrives
i'm assured of it
i'm so alone...
sometimes, i want to just let go
go where my feet could take me
show me what's reak
let me find my soulmate
let me find my happiness
i'm so alone
i want to breakdown and cry
or maybe fly and die
i just want to show who i'am to a person
a person who has a broad mind
i'm so alone...
-blackjev- \m/

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the lost soul [25 Jul 2004|09:25pm]

blackjev
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | broken- seether ]

i'm walking alone
alone in this dark road
confusion all around me
seeking happiness alone
confuse of what's my truth
waiting for the soul to come
wash away my doubts
i want to be happy
don't know when
but as long as my soulmate arrives
i'm assured of it.
i'm so alone...
sometimes, i want to just let go
go where my feet could take me
show me what's real
let me find my soulmate
let me find my happiness
i'm so alone
i want to breakdown and cry
or maybe fly or die
i just want to show who i'am to a person
a person who has a broad mind
i'm so alone.....

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Broken Silence [30 Jun 2004|02:52pm]

icequeen5263
Chest rising
Spine arching
Head inverting
Lungs exploding
Hairs rising
Stomach contracting
Mouth agape
Lips trembling
Eyes closed tight-

Lids and lashes fluttering

Wet

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Chords and Sidenotes [29 Jun 2004|02:05pm]

icequeen5263
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Cake - Frank Sinatra ]

Trumpet line
The door bell's ringing
1, 2, 3.....three long times
Rise to feet
Open door
Old friends stop over
Whirling in circles of busy occupation
Never pausing to see
the scenery scrolling by
What's life for if you can't enjoy
the simple pleasures.
the sidenotes.
the chords of nature's symphonies.

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[25 May 2004|04:03pm]

wikkid_split
How do I keep a fire from growing even when I've tried to confine it into a box. The box is so stationary, ordirnary, square with no grey areas or curves that combine surfaces into one. How do you contain a hurtful fire so it will not burn the rest of its walls.

How can a fire survive in that box? Something so wild, natural, and untamed trapped in an artificial compartment of sharp, straight corners, strict without passion. No curves. How will it breathe? Maybe I will kill it in the long run, tightly keeping the lid closed even when the fire strains and cries to be let out and let it live. I don't want to kill it. I don't want to open it later and find only a black smudge of where it sat.

I feel so empty. I feel emotional. I feel like I'm killing it. I'm letting it die very slowly because I fear it will grow and burn me down.
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[15 May 2004|11:45pm]

m0an_
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | do you realize...that you have... the most... beautiful face ]

celebrate national nursing home week

and the full closets scream
permanency.
forever.
this is where i
live.
this is where
i don’t want to
live.
this is where i
die.
this is where i pray
to die.
this is where i
beg my children
and my grandchildren
to visit.


i want to see outside
again.

and my neighbor
is so far
away from
where
they consider
home.

so far away
from today,
and this moment,
they look through
me,
and drool down the side of
their chin.

a small pool
of dark blue
on a light blue
blouse.

my body
holds
my mind
prisioner.



the empty closets
scream
change!
coming and
going,
so much death.
so much dependence.
so much neglect.

this is not
a home.

this is a place
for me to
die,
without being seen
or
heard.


this is a place for
me to
slip away,
without being
noticed.

as if i never
really
existed
at all.

and my closet is almost full.



when will it be emptied?
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[07 May 2004|06:11pm]

wikkid_split
Self indulgent of the clanging chains
so I made a big mistake
swimming in the inferno of guilty sins
so that's what they call it these days
they said I would never see again
that's what they all say..
They say I'm walking on my own grave
Clandestine followers, please come my way
You'll walk with me through the desert lake
And away we go...
This forest is too vast to understand
These trees lie to falter our days
The ground is a bitter hole
Crossing the line is better when
you're in someone's way
they just don't understand me
Walking with shame on my face
I despise the look that takes my feet away
In what ways does life do me insane?

I saw you through the window you opened for me
The lock is empty and the ticks have grown still for the moment
there is still nothing you can tell me
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to my confidants (senseless) [22 Mar 2004|08:03pm]

icequeen5263
as you leap across the wheat filled fields in my overconfident cranium i screech and cry with a pleased delight i feel the stabs and jabs in the squishy, yielding folds of my brain
with each step a wince with each leap a sigh of relief you’re on the bound you’re all i need you’re all i hate you’re all i never wished for it’s as if a robin nested in a weeping willow towering low above the ground swaying with the breezes it’s just like a dream bringing sweat from the pores of my hide just like reality in the shape of a cloud looming over my head
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quietly contagious [16 Mar 2004|09:34am]

wikkid_split
"It was the kid with the chemicals. I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure. I got the money if you got the time. You said it feels good. I said I'll give it a try..."

trauma in stages
bright lights come in fading
it's time for the first line
it's time we broke the silence
it's a coma forgotten some time ago
back before when all was rather nervous
quick and random thoughts fill the empty spaces...

I sound like a stranger.
I sound astranged...
I sound nervous
and afraid to say what I am supposed to say
with the emotion I'm supposed to say it
it's more of an empty casket
filled with glass and rocks because it seems they must fill it
it's battery to an old back because you just cannot let go of it

But here we go again... here goes the fatal moment
Voices are loud
The lights have been directed to blind the audience
Soon... they say... you will discover your true expression
And soon, you think, you may die of this nautious exhaustion

they cannot hear me...

they cannot hear me...

they cannot understand...

I've spoiled the scene.
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see the stones crumble down [16 Mar 2004|09:32am]

wikkid_split
lonely boy stands near the playground fence
he watches the girl in a short plaid skirt and open white button up
she swings on the swings alone while the other girls talk and play
it is apparent he cannot take away the gaze
that falls on her body
he only watches as her hair falls over her face
she takes a cigarette and looks away
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