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[22 Jul 2006|07:04pm]

ok i need someone to help me I'm desperate... okay here goes... I'm only 98 LBs but I'm 5'8", yes I know your first thought is "she must have an eating disorder" as far as I know I don't think I do, I know that sounds beyond dumb because if you have an eating disorder you would know right?! I would think that if I had one I would know! However I'm very confused... you see I don't eat like normal people I eat alot of junk... you would think living off of things like peanut butter, cookies, cake, soda etc would make me fat but I can't seem to gain wieght even when I try! but I don't eat alot of meat... steak grosses me out its not that I worry about it makng me gain wieght like someone who is belimic or anoexic would... but I don't like how it feels in my mouth. So you might be thinkng well why is she even thinking she has an eating diorder then? well heres my answer my best friend does... a few months ago we got drunk & she told me, she asked me if i was anorexic too... to this day I don't now why but I told her I was! I never purposely starved myself & as far as I kno that's what anorexia is... I'm glad I told her I was tho because I just think if she told me she was & I said I wasn't she wouldnt have believed me anyway because of my size & just thought I was lying anyway! Plus now she talks to me about it a little for the most part. & I've been pretty believable I must say... Well I told my mom that I think have an eating disorder [actually I made up a huge lie that I was anorexic & for awhile only my dad knew] The truth is I think I do have an eating disorder or a problem as to why I'm not gaining wieght but I'm not sure as to why! Also I figured if my family tried getting me help I could seehow I could try getting help for my best friend But anyway my mom told me she had a secret to share with me & that was when she was my age [22] she was belimic & never told anyone! My mom also has a drug addiction & tec an eating disorder is an addiction & as far as I believe drug addictions can be genetic if a mother has 1 during her pregnancy which my mom did... yes I honestly believe if I were to try any type of drug I would become addicted so is it possible I can get an eating disorder? yes I know its not something you can get like cancer but is it at all possible?? The same day my best friend was telling me she had an eating disorder she also told me there was a website that she belonged to and all i remembered [because we were both drunk - reason for her probly telling me about it in the first place] is that the website was something to do with a fish! So I go on her computer every once in awile to see if she has been to the website so I can see what she posts on it but I never could find it until today! http://www.something-fishy.org/ so now I plan to join the website because i want to help her. Also I have read a few books [Room to grow, stick Figure, & NoBODY is Perfect] to help me understand what I believe she has "nervosa anorexia" [because the books that I read all say the main character has that] now I'm not sure if anorexia & "nervosa anorexia" are any diffrent? so i can't be certain... Anyway today she asked me to eat breakfast with her like four times then when I got ito the kitcen to eat I just sat at the tabe for a minute before coking & she said "I need you to eat with me s I can eat too" I thought it was a little stange but I ignored it, bt then i decided to go on her computer & that is when I found the website on her computer showing she had logged ont the website sometime today! also next to her computer is what she ate & how many calories are each thing... Also she looked up on google "calories" so I'm very nervous because for about a year now she's been okay & I think she might relapse... Also I know she started this because her parents were aying attention to her so she decided she'd not eat to see if they would notice & "theres a fine ine between a goal & an addiction" s how she refrerred to it... anyway I have alot of questions that need to be answered so if anyone can help please

i do not mean to offend anyone so i"m really sorry if i have & yes I admit completely I am ignorant on the subject... please help me if you can
sleep tonight?

promotion ♥ [25 Mar 2005|04:50pm]

heyy ..sorry if this isnt allowed but this is a good community to come to if you need advice on anything..no questions are stupid and there's great advice givers so come check it out ♥__advicegiversx
sleep tonight?

[02 Mar 2005|05:31pm]

My site, dealing mostly in self injury has been updated. If you would like to contribute poetry, stories, pictures, or anything let me know. E-mail me at: psychoxxsarah@hotmail.com
I am here to educate and learn as well. If you read the main page that I've linked you to, then you will know nearly everything you need to know about my site. This isn't for publicity because I want to be cool, it is because I have re-done the site, added to it, and hope for it to become a helping tool, as well as a learning tool for those who feel alone. It is only about self injury for now, but other mental health problems and medication information will come along as I am able to write them.
sleep tonight?

is there anyone out there??? [03 Jan 2005|05:29pm]

[ mood | cold ]

Is there anyone out there that knows what it feels like when your life is like a roller coaster with no one behind the wheel???

is there anyone out there who knows what it feels like to feel like your heart is colapsing inside of itself over and over again...is there anyone out there who can relate to the feeling you get when you have lost your whole world ... is there anyone out there who has a blade in the shower praying fo rthe courage to push it down .....is there anyone out there who's lost someone they love? is there anyone out there that could send me a miracle????

I just want the pain to end!!

cry yourself to sleep tonight?

i barelly ate today [25 Jun 2004|01:48am]
i did so good not eating today. and i didnt have alot of carbs either. that's it. im taking my meds again. i do feel alot better. i hate that. the only time i can feel happy is with those pills. stupid. tomrrow night im going to a party at the beach... last weekend it almost happend but one of our friends fell off a 30 foot cliff. so were gonna have it tomrow night. thats it. alrught guys... bye
cry yourself to sleep tonight?

im so irritated [22 Jun 2004|11:46pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

im so annoyed by just the littlest things. im sick of ryan. im so sick of everything. im sick of work. im sick of being fat.... rghhhhhhhhhhhh. im sick of taking meds every fucking night before i go to bed.
i havent been takin my antidepressants. for the past 2 nights. today i felt high all fucking day. i went to clinique to get some lip gloss and the damn chink lady gave me fuckin lotion to put on my lips... thirty fuckin bucks. yesterday ryan was drivin me home from his house and anything i would say he would make fun of. i got sick of it. i got sick of HIM!!! so i didnt say anything more the whole way home. if i was quiet i figured then he wouldnt open his fucking mouth. he dropped me off at my house and all i said was "thanks". then tongiht i was watchin the fucking real world... and i haaaaaaaaate when my mom has to watch it with me. she makes fucking popcorn.. and i hate heariing her eat it... and not only that but becuase of the fact that she doesnt watch the damn real world she doesnt know whats goin on. so the whole time i was watching the damn episode she was right there asking 20 fuckin questions........ rghhhhhhhh. im soooooo........ i just wanna cut myself... im so frusterated right now.
i ate so much today. i had 2 peices of pizza, a tcby, a bowl of cereal, some turkey, some water, a pbj and a glass of choc. milk. im so full. i hate feeling high from not taking my meds. i feel so out of it. and cranky... and i get so frusterated over anything.
tongiht i was talkin on the phone with ryan... i didnt feel like talkin b/c i was in a pissy mood so i said "im gonna go"... he said ok.. and said... "k have a good ngiht... bye"... all he does is fuckin hang up. he doesnt say anything. i got pissed. rhggggggggggggg. im so sick of everything right now. i really need to lose weight
no more eating. only 500 cals or less and only 30 grams of carbs per day. i took some laxatives tongiht. my mom said something to me the other night. "susie.. you know you really need to watch how many carbs you eat...."... fuck you bitch. im so fucking frusterated.. i kinda wanna go out to my car and get my box cutter. that razor is so sharp.. sigh...... im sooooooooo sick of everything right nowwwww........ no more eating.
no more
no more
no more
no m ore
no more
now ryan is gonna read my blurty and tell his fucking friends that im starving myself again..... rghhhhhhhhhh. i dont care. i dont care anymore.
i wanna try cocaine so bad. i duno k thats it... im sick of all this... i wanna go to bed forever. bye

cry yourself to sleep tonight?

i did so good today [22 May 2004|12:29am]
i did so fucking good not eating today. i had my first day of work at trader joes today. and for lunch i had ciggerettes and a red bull (150 cals). then later i had a turkey sandwhich ( rye bread (2 slices=140 cals) and turkey (40 cals) and lettuce and mustard =none... and then a bowl of cereal =170 cals and then a chai 150 cals.. all with nonfat milk too... so that knocks off some cals. so thats a total of......... 550 cals. and like 2 grams of fat. so today was good. and i got a workout at work... gettin carts .. runnin around the store. stocking things... baggin things. so ya.. its cool. im so tired though. i got 4 hours of sleep lastnight and i didnt take a nap today. i need to get to bed. i cant wait to get skinney. i was watching the E! true hollywood story on the "barbi twins". they had a really bad eating disorder... extreme. like... really bad. they were bulimic. they had seriously like barby's (the doll) figure. there boobs were huge and their butts were huge... everything was real and theyre stomachs were skinnier then there thighs. they would work out like 10 hrs a day. and then they startin abusing laxatives.. takin up to 100 pills / day. that's alot i think. my stomach would fall out of my ass. !!! anyways. ya that's it. just another day in the neighbor hood. right now im talkin to a girl who's bi. im bicurioius. im just to scared / nervious to do it. i dunnno. k thats it. peace man.
sleep tonight?

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