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Brendan James: The Sun Will Rise (thanks, McB!) |
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This is probably going to be boring to everyone, but I have to write it down. I need to be able to remind myself of this when I'm feeling like giving up again.
I've always wished I was coordinated and athletic. I'd hear about how people would feel so relaxed and centered when they would run. My da was a marathon runner until his knee couldn't handle it anymore, and from a young age I knew that running was my da's outlet -- and I wanted that too. Unfortunately, I hate running. I find it aggravating and awkward and awful. I do not enjoy it. Not once. Not ever.
I tried other things -- volleyball, basketball, even boring old aerobic walking. Again and again I'd get frustrated and quit, because I'm a perfectionist and if I can't do it well, I don't want to do it at all. And I'm naturally just uncoordinated and awkward, so things never seemed to work out right for me.
There have been two sports in my life that have worked for me. Oddly, they both require lots of coordination and discipline, so I'm not sure what's different about these two. The first is dance; I was a little rockstar in my dance classes as a kid. (Okay, wait -- it was in dance class that I broke out my tooth, so maybe my theory applies to dance too.) Unfortunately, the dance classes didn't suit my oh-so-high standards so I quit after one season. Is it possible to have rhythm, a little bit of grace, and a skill for following choreography without having a stitch of everyday coordination?
But the other -- swimming -- has always been the one place where I did find comfort. I was thinking about that while I was swimming my laps today. I swam competitively for several years, and while I was never going to win any races, I had good technique and I loved it. (Plus, I could smoke the other kids in the swimming unit of P.E., even if I couldn't hold a candle to the other racers on my team.) But it was always like that -- even when I was training 15+ hours a week during season, there was something innately calming about being underwater.
I stopped swimming my sophomore year under doctor's orders, because of rampant tendonitis in both my shoulders. And oh, I missed it. I stayed involved by managing the team and unofficially coaching the new JV swimmers, but it's definitely not the same. I finally got back in the pool sporadically in college, and found out pretty quick that if I swim only breastroke I don't aggravate my shoulders too much. But it's an expensive sport, and tricky to find pool time. But still, it's so worth it when I actually buckle down and do it.
It's even more true now that I'm swimming for myself, rather than for a bitch of a coach. I have my little routine down pat -- I get in the pool, stretch my shoulders, swim ten unbroken laps, stretch again, swim another ten unbroken laps. I wanted to start with a pretty easy (read: short) workout to build up the strength in my shoulders again. Usually by lap three I can just relax into the rhythm: kick - glide - stroke - breathe. I used to make up stories in my head while I was swimming, but now I mostly just count my strokes and lengths. It's so incredibly mindless. And when I am done, I love the heat that rushes across my upper back and down my triceps before I stretch. It's...comforting somehow.
The water is pretty much the only place where I feel strong, coordinated, and capable. I'm even having some success and improvement -- since I started swimming regularly (3-4 times a week) I've dropped 7 minutes from my 1000 meters. I added 5 more laps to my workout today and I could have gone five more, but didn't want to push it too much. It was a terrific feeling. I don't know why I get away from it as often as I do.
Anyway, this is my reminder to myself -- swim to live. This is your marathon.
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