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[29 Sep 2008|12:11am] |
you're the bad habit i just can't quit
you're the addiction i can't quite kick
you're the reason my mind goes a mile a minute.
:-\ i miss you so much.
and every time i get lonely, you're the first thing on my mind.
i can't go a day alone without you being in my thoughts.
without your health and well-being in my prayers
without you in my heart.
it sucks.
i can't stand it.
i hate it.
have you ever felt like your world is crashing down on you?
but only in one aspect? like you're losing hope and losing feeling?
you've become nearly numb and the only thing you can feel is how weird that numbness feels?
that's how i get with you sometimes.
that's how i get without you sometimes.
you're a ridiculously addicting drug.
and i don't mean that insensitively.
i'm trying so hard to get over you because i feel like our conversation back in July, before you went back to the place you are now, was just you saying all those things because you were lonely, or afraid of being alone.
i can't take that.
i hate feeling like this.
i just want you to understand the things i feel for you.
but i'm beginning to think you never will.
i called you the other night because i missed you and things went wrong, once again, with another guy.
so i wanted to hear your voice, to know you were doing okay, because as long as you're doing okay, i can find hope in something.
how co-dependent of me.
i wanted to listen to you talk. i wanted to hear you tell me about your day. about girls, about anything, but i just wanted to hear you. just wanted to talk to you. just wanted to know you're alright. because even if my life isn't okay, as long as you are, it makes things just a little bit better for the time being.
i don't think you understand how much i would sacrifice for you if you could only straighten this whole mess of self out.
what i can't figure out right now is why, if you're there, and i'm here, and there's nothing going on with us, and you can obviously find a girl anywhere you wanted to and whenever you pleased, can i not find a guy?
i always find the ones that will try to get what they want and run. and it sucks. because i try so hard not to be like that.
i don't want to be left out in the cold all alone. i can't do it. i can't take it anymore.
i miss you so much.
i just wish things would get better for you.
i wish you would get better, for you.
i just want to hold you, hug you, kiss you, see you, be with you, in person, hold your hand. be okay.
why do i depend so much on you when you can't even depend on yourself half the time?
i can't figure it out myself.
i hate loving you because it hurts on the inside so much sometimes.
it feels so empty so often inside of me because there's something, someone, missing.
right now, and for a long time now, that someone is and has been you.
will there ever be another you?
i'm not sure i want that. i think all i want is the best you that you have inside of yourself.
i've had you at your worst. and i've taken that and love that.
i guess by "will there ever be another you?" i more or less mean will i ever meet someone else?
i want to. i really do.
but i want to meet someone who isn't going to have some sort of dependence issue.
you know yours. the one this summer had his.
it's all around me. i'm a magnet.
this is why i go to my meetings, but honestly, i don't even know what to do with that anymore.
i'm getting frustrated because i feel like nothing is going the way i want it to. it's taking too much time. nothing is getting fixed right away.
nothing.
i'm so impatient. i need to stop and just chill out for a second.
i wish it were possible. i know it is. i just have to find that calm ground that i know i can grab on to and take hold of.
we'll see i guess.
i'm not sure how to conclude this but i want to stop writing because i want to stop thinking and i want to take a shower so i can clear my mind and be alone for a little while.
i can't figure out what more to say because there is so much stuck in my mind.
but i can't figure out how to end this either.
i guess it'll be abrupt..
something like this......
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